I Think I Should Be On Maury

[Namilani]

Ladies, forgive me for the ramble I plan to type and for making ya'll "listen". When you're awake debating asking for a ride to the hospital for help when typically you wake up for work at 6:45p... It's bad. I will try to condense this and I hope to get some feedback. I won't get mad if it's negative! When your favorite show is Snapped and you've battled CHRONIC depression for 4 years, you have to find outlets for your safety and others.

Okay, I met my daughter's father in high school my junior year. We were going to break up senior year and I was going to Duke, but I found out I was pregnant. I have beautiful 4 soon-to-be 5 year old daughter.

Needless to say, I wound up at UNC-Greensboro and us staying together until January of 2006. My mom got sick, long-story-short she was dead by the end of April... In this time he met some high school girl and began dating her. They dated on and off, but we got back together in May of 2007 when I had a nervous breakdown (literally) and was dating an ex of mine. Well, that didn't last once he realized he had me where he wanted me and that I had cut off the guy. So we parted ways. I met another guy (in November of 2007), ironically a guy that we all had mutual friends with. (I posted on here about about him on the Blackpeople meet or online dating thread). He had too much baggage it turned out and Tiko (my almost-DH's name) and I tried to be together, again. While you may think this is a typical case of two toxic people trying to detox for the sake of the child, it really wasn't the case. It was the "boomerang theory". Well, 2008 was a blur. He got caught talking to that girl and I was so depressed with my job and where I was in life that I was settling with him. Come fall 2008 his mother kicked him out. YES, he was still with his mother but he had a great job and was fully supporting his child. I took him in. Only for him to tell me by October 2008 that we need to stop playing this game and realize we'll never be together-- and he left. Turns out to move in with this girl! They fell out and he'd moved in with his mom, again, but didn't like the rules, so he moved back with her. Mind you, this whole time I'm under the impression that he's living with a friend or his cousin. Sorry, I need to start summing this up... Long story short, we were "working things out" WHILE he was living with her! He told me he wanted to move back in, so he did less than a week ago. We'd been seeing movies, going out to malls with the baby, etc. Just FRIDAY night we were entertaining a mutual friend and saying how more young, black couples need to stay together. Well, yesterday he got missing. I was out with a coworker and he would return calls, wouldn't give me his definitive plans, and called me back ONCE when I asked in a text if he wanted me to buy him something. We ending up talking at about 8:50 that night. He kinda made me feel bad that I was bothering him, because just because I'm anti-social I didn't need to ruin his fun. I even made the comment: "You act like I'm trying to track you down! You freakin' live with me! How much damage can you do?" He commented "Finally you realize that!" I asked him if he was coming home after partying. He said he would if he hadn't gotten too drunk. He didn't, but that wasn't unusual (which I'm guessing should've been a sign). I didn't wonder anything until I got up this morning and realized he hadn't called me, but was texting me that he loved me and not to call back a particular number on my phone. Well, I call him and leave a message-- we were supposed to be doing dinner today... No answer. Then an hour and a half later I get a private phone call-- it's Miss 2006! She wanted to know why my number was in HER BOYFRIEND'S phone! That's where he was-- he was at my house cuz she'd put him out. And ironically I'd just gotten a large settlement that he'd conveniently been helping me spend. I'm figuring he would have left, again, once the money was gone. He tried to apologize (and stop me from throwing the rest of his ish in the mud and yard), and telling me he'd learned his lesson-- the typical ish you hear when you catch somebody up. Ultimately, he got mad that I was no longer going to pay him $500 to do some heavy duty cleaning for me and Miss 2006 was more forgiving... So he left. Then he changed his story from supposedly loving me to I was like his sister and he's rather be with her. He even had the nerve to say he'd call me tomorrow after he talks to her TO SEE IF IT'S OKAY TO STILL TALK TO ME!! So you do me wrong, try to get back with me, try to continue freeloading, but in the end you leave me and plan on acting funny??!!! A child, sacrifices and SIX YEARS and you going to come at me with that?! Even after you said to me that I was who you wanted to be with?! I'm sorry, but I think even the most apathetic, emotionless person would be hurt by this. I can't sleep, eat, or focus. I go into rages, then cry hysterically, I can't even form proper sentences. Thankfully my daughter is with her grandmother and won't be seeing this. Enjoy my childish antics on Facebook. When my adult mentality is back, I will delete this and maybe even apologize. I'm probably making myself look worse... Showing how hurt and bitter I am. But as I formed the album, it was the best I've been able to catch my breath in 12 hours. What's scary to me is that I'm thinking that I would have forgiven him, again. I think it just hurts the worst that he basically decided that he wanted to be with her and that she took him back. Now they will live happily every after and I'm just some bitter, lonely, and DEPRESSED baby's mommma...

 

[SeatownSista]

You're daughter is adorable and you're very pretty! I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it's hard, but I would try not to focus on him and his girlfriend. I highly doubt that they will live happy ever after. It seems as though he has been a toxic presence in your life, and with time I think you'll realize that you are better off without him.

 

[bimbabe]

Paragraphs mama!

ETA: I totally agree with SeaTownSista...that clown is not worth it. Take as much time as you need to grieve but keep it moving...he is not worth the drama. I hope you resolve the personal issues that you seem to be going through otherwise...you know it is not only you but your daughter you have to live for as well.

((HUGS))

 

[Namilani]

Thanks, ladies!

Somewhere in that ramble I commented how I was having a hard time forming sentences. Too, I was rambling so hard I couldn't decide when a new paragraph should even start.

I guess it's so hard to grasp the concept of grieving, because I should've grieved him and the loss of my mom back in 2006. God only knows how my life would be had I. Too, my mother was quite the motivator and counselor and wouldn't have let me do what I've done so long...

I always live by the fact that I don't ask for an easy life, but to be a stronger person... That what doesn't kill me will make me stronger. But life hit my too hard to fast and I'm lost...

 

[Ivonnovi]

Your mom would have told you to follow your instincts.

Your instincts told you he was "no good" and "no good for you" a long time ago.
Since you know you can not trust the idiot; assume that the rest of your "?s" about him are true and be glad he's gone.
......which is probably the same advice you'd give to your DD if she were in your shoes.

You are not Captain Save-A-Whore nor are you Dr.Phil. You are a woman trying to raise a child; no need to try to raise up a grown-*** boy too!

Breathe in, breathe out & emotionally keep stepping! I know all to well that it hurts like hell, but like childbirth this is just a part of life that we must go through and to some degree we all have.
The positives: Now you know. Now you have clarity on ya'lls future together. Now you are free to grow.

 

[Namilani]

I also need to get over looking at him like an investment. Obviously, the person I've been to him and the things I've done weren't enough. I think once I can envision him out of my life (even if it was miserable while he was in it), I will be okay. The preceding post totally hit home, so I'm totally thankful.

 

[Mortons]

He and his girlfriend will NOT live a happy life together. Such a grimy individual who will do the mother of his child wrong is no prize. You and your daughter deserve a lot better. Its fine to feel hurt and grieve for a while. But soon you will realize you are too good for this drama and keep it moving with your fabulous life.

 

[harrison]

Inhale... exhale... inhale... exhale...!! ((hugs))

I remember going through a situation with an ex that left me right where you are. But as mentioned... you have to remember your baby girl. She needs you to be her example of strength, determination, and focus. Recognize your ex has done you a favor. He has walked out of your life once again. Reason being because that is where he belongs, on the outside.

Convince yourself that you deserve to be loved, respected, and cared for by your significant other, whether you have a child together or not. Learn to be discerning of who you allow to make entry into your temple. A woman's heart is a wonderful place for the right man to be. Its not somewhere you should allow people who will not uphold the value of it to rest.

I pray that God gives you the peace, serenity, wisdom, discernment, and strength through this situation. He gave it to me through mine and I know it can be done for you too...

 

[Namilani]

Inhale... exhale... inhale... exhale...!! ((hugs))

I remember going through a situation with an ex that left me right where you are. But as mentioned... you have to remember your baby girl. She needs you to be her example of strength, determination, and focus. Recognize your ex has done you a favor. He has walked out of your life once again. Reason being because that is where he belongs, on the outside.

Convince yourself that you deserve to be loved, respected, and cared for by your significant other, whether you have a child together or not. Learn to be discerning of who you allow to make entry into your temple. A womens heart is a wonderful place for the right man to be. Its not somewhere you should allow people who will not uphold the value of it to visit.

I pray that God gives you the peace, serenity, wisdom, discernment, and strength through this situation. He gave it to me through mine and I know it can be done for you too...

Wow. Thank you. Now you made me cry!

 

[ClassicChic]

Inhale... exhale... inhale... exhale...!! ((hugs))

I remember going through a situation with an ex that left me right where you are. But as mentioned... you have to remember your baby girl. She needs you to be her example of strength, determination, and focus. Recognize your ex has done you a favor. He has walked out of your life once again. Reason being because that is where he belongs, on the outside.

Convince yourself that you deserve to be loved, respected, and cared for by your significant other, whether you have a child together or not. Learn to be discerning of who you allow to make entry into your temple. A woman's heart is a wonderful place for the right man to be. Its not somewhere you should allow people who will not uphold the value of it to rest.

I pray that God gives you the peace, serenity, wisdom, discernment, and strength through this situation. He gave it to me through mine and I know it can be done for you too...

Excellent post!

You deserve so much better. You are the prize. You already know that.

 

[LoveLiLi]

OMG! Your daughter is beautiful - a living doll.

Okay, back to the topic. I'm sorry you're going through this and some of the things you're mentioning sound very familiar (I had a worthless bf at one time as well).

First, stop letting him make all the decisions. I saw above that you said "He decided to be with" Miss 2006 etc. You're giving him too much control over your emotions, body, money and life in general. You have to decide what type of man you want in your life and I'm sure it's not a liar, cheater and user.

2nd, we women have to learn to put our needs/standards above a man's. My ex used to tell me "Baby, I love you, but I love myself waaayyy more". This is the attitude we need to adopt when it comes to men. Right now it seems like you love him above all else when he really only needs to be in your life to pay child support and spend time with his daughter. He's proven that he's not up to the task of being your man, lover, friend etc. because all his actions show that he's only focused on himself. Don't let him keep coming back to you at his choosing - you've put up with his sh!t, but it's time to learn your lesson and keep it moving.

3rd, don't beat yourself up over this; he's not going to have a happily ever after with anyone (at least not anytime soon). He's lying and cheating in your relationship and please know that he's taking these same vile traits into every relationship he gets into. Just make sure that you don't let him cause anymore destruction in your life. You're hurting now, but it'll hurt more if you keep giving him chance after chance and end up with an STD or so emotionally distraught that you harm him. This may sound over the top, but when I was going through it with my ex I really thought that I was going to harm him (fatally).

By letting go of this relationship (at least in the romantic sense. I know he has to see his daughter) you're helping yourself and your daughter. Children know when their parents are hurting and as the saying goes "When mama's happy, everyone's happy". Once you let go of this negative relationship you'll be able to heal emotionally and peace of mind feels better than holding on to a no good piece of sh!t.

 

[Namilani]

OMG! Your daughter is beautiful - a living doll.

Okay, back to the topic. I'm sorry you're going through this and some of the things you're mentioning sound very familiar (I had a worthless bf at one time as well).

First, stop letting him make all the decisions. I saw above that you said "He decided to be with" Miss 2006 etc. You're giving him too much control over your emotions, body, money and life in general. You have to decide what type of man you want in your life and I'm sure it's not a liar, cheater and user.

2nd, we women have to learn to put our needs/standards above a man's. My ex used to tell me "Baby, I love you, but I love myself waaayyy more". This is the attitude we need to adopt when it comes to men. Right now it seems like you love him above all else when he really only needs to be in your life to pay child support and spend time with his daughter. He's proven that he's not up to the task of being your man, lover, friend etc. because all his actions show that he's only focused on himself. Don't let him keep coming back to you at his choosing - you've put up with his sh!t, but it's time to learn your lesson and keep it moving.

3rd, don't beat yourself up over this; he's not going to have a happily ever after with anyone (at least not anytime soon). He's lying and cheating in your relationship and please know that he's taking these same vile traits into every relationship he gets into. Just make sure that you don't let him cause anymore destruction in your life. You're hurting now, but it'll hurt more if you keep giving him chance after chance and end up with an STD or so emotionally distraught that you harm him. This may sound over the top, but when I was going through it with my ex I really thought that I was going to harm him (fatally).

By letting go of this relationship (at least in the romantic sense. I know he has to see his daughter) you're helping yourself and your daughter. Children know when their parents are hurting and as the saying goes "When mama's happy, everyone's happy". Once you let go of this negative relationship you'll be able to heal emotionally and peace of mind feels better than holding on to a no good piece of sh!t.

Great post. Thanks so much!

Of course this morning I was already told what a mistake he made, yada yada yada. By the afternoon he wants to be alone. *Sigh* And I haven't eaten in over 24 hours and have not had much sleep.

Thanks for the Talipooh love (my daughter's name is Natalia)! She looks like her daddy, lol.

 

[brickhouse]

I am so sorry for your pain. I know matters of the heart can be very painful. Do you think you can get some kind of counseling but don't do it until you are ready to move on or it will not work. I hope you see yourself for the loving and beautiful person you are. I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[ThickHair]

Close friend of mine has the same exact story but she married the dude in 05 and her life is a living hell. He continues to cheat and do the same thing he did before the marriage. She is aware and she accepts it all, except now she has 2 kids by him and she just won't dump him. He brings nothing positive to her life and yet continues to spend her money.

You will never be happy with him and no one is going to say any different. My friend accepted his antics before marriage and for some strange reason she feels she should continue to accept them because she knew the deal. mmmm is all I can say.

It is all very draining.

 

[NYAmicas]

Your daughter is such a pretty little girl, Im sure she's an angel.

Now your ex, you deserve so much better. I can understand that you have had a lot of hardships/sadness in your past but you can come through this. You need to know that. First and foremost, I dont know if you've been to a counselor or not but you need to have some talks with a professional to help you with your pain. Second and just as important than the first, that "boy" has got to go.

One thing you wrote in your post about expecting he'd leave when your settlement money really bothered me. It was like an admission that you knew he wasnt there for you and your daughter and accepted that. This guy is bouncing around from women's homes including his mother, what is he bringing positvely to your life? Ziltch! Looking at him as an investment isnt wrong either! Im not a financial advisor but I see a major deficit far as he's concerned. Please dont set yourself up for any more hurt, dont let that guy take anything else from you.

 

[deltadreamland]

Short answer: You're raising one child, not two. If I were you, I'd put all of my energy into raising my daughter and no energy into him. He does not deserve it. Once you take the focus off of him and put it elsewhere, it becomes very clear where your mind should be.

 

[firecracker]

Don't talk to that jack A and please stop wasting your time on him. Your daughter is a beauty and deserves all of your love and attention. Please stop dealing with Kneegrows and spend time with yourself for a long while please.

 

[spelmanlocks]

He sounds very immature and unstable. You need to let him go so you can get yourself together and be the strong mother that your daughter needs. Otherwise, he'll probably keep bouncing back and forth and keep your life in constant turmoil and making you a bitter, and thus lonely woman. The sooner you move on, the sooner the healing process can begin.

 

[Danene5]

He is not worth your time. I am speaking from experience. My previous post will show that. Count it as a loss and move on. He will never make a woman happy and is only looking for someone to suck money and time out of. He is a looser with a 'Big L". And he didn't deserve to get money for heavy duty cleaning. He is a man, he should automatically do those things for you.

 

[dede1174]

oh my dear, I wish I could just give you a big hug! Babygirl, men will do what we allow them to do. He has learned that as long as he plays the game right he can get what he wants from BOTH of you .I promise you , she is going through the same thing with him. Sometimes we get to a place where so much stuff is going on in our lives we, feel like we have the "best "we gonna get."

But guess what? God has someone for all of us. The best thing you can do is remove him and his toxic influence from your life. NOT YOUR DAUGHTERS , Gurl!!! This will be hard but you are worth so much. You deserve someone to love you and cherish you for all the things you have, not just because your beautiful on the outside but because God put talent and intelligence in you. You should take time to learn how to love you. Look in the mirror everyday and tell your self how beautiful you are.

Your daughter deserves a father but you dont deserve a ^^. Once you learn to love you. God can bring along someone who will recognize God's love in you and will cherish you accordingly.

My mom passed away on Oct 19, 08. One of the best things she ever told me was I will attract what I feel inside. If I feel I dont deserve it, I wont get it. If I dont think Im pretty enough, Others will see that. And If I dont love and appreciate myself, I will attract men who will not love and appreciate myself. Take it from someone who been in and out of depression for years but finally started walking the path God had for me. Believing that I am wonderfully and fearfully made. Once I started to believe it, my life turned around. I finally started attracting people around me who believed the same thing.

I will pray for you my sister. I will pray that you will tap into that inner thing. You have a small little lady looking at you and remember she will be someones wife and mother one day. You want to lay a foundation in her that will make her a strong, positive woman.

Love ya!

Jeremiah 29:11

 

[Murjani]

Girl don't do this to yourself! How many tears do you have to shed before you say enough is enough? Don't allow this man to use up the best years of your life, it will only damage you in the long run.

I have been young, dumb, and thought I was in love before. That man did some damage to my soul, but once i got him out of my system(it was hard) there was no looking back.

Now is the time to focus in you and heal from within. You have to get to a point where you love yourself more. Once you find that peace within, you will never allow ANY man to come in and destroy it.

Another thing......... Don't ever let a man see you sweat. Keep your cool whenver you are in his presence and no more facebook rantings.

 

[meziaa]

Think about what he has done to you.

Now think again, is he worth your health? Is he really worth your not eating? Your smileless face?


Please!

Take a shower, get dressed, go to school, go to work and do you. He'll break the other girls poor heart, just be glad he "chose" someone else's life to disrupt and not yours.

 

[tilati]

He is not worth this drama Do you think he will ever change? he won't. Just keep it moving.


(((hugs)))

btw your daughter is a cutie

 

[The Sweetest B]

You have received very good advice and thoughts from the sistas on here. I will only add that you need to respect yourself and demand no less from anyone.

Remember your little princess needs you, she also need you to be a good role model for her more so since her Dad is not. They grow up to immulate what they see around them. Do you want her to grow and think it is okay for a man to treat her like a doormat?

Make him pay child support through the court, it don't seem he can be trusted otherwise. Set your boundaries as far as you go and what you are willing to do to facillitate his relationship with his daughter. Ultimately that relationship is up to him.

Talk bout the child only and don't entertain his mess.

 

[Ms_Delikate]

First off...your daughter is beautiful. I agree with the poster that said "Never let them see you sweat"...don't put yourself out there on facebook...if you need to vent, make an online journal on fotki and pour out your feelings there.

The question you need to ask yourself about this man though is "why would he change and be good to you or the other girl when he pretty much invested nothing in either of you and was able to be with both of you"? You are a beautiful young lady and you deserve so much better.

Stop communicating with him for a while if he can deal with your mom to see your daughter. This will help the healing happen faster if you cut off ties with him as much as possible.
Get better soon..

 

[Namilani]

Ladies, I got behind on responding to everyone. But I just have to thank you ALL from the bottom of my heart. While I'm still hurting, struggling, grieving... I'm a little stronger today than the day before, which is a good sign. Too, there are more details to add, but I don't have the strength to type them.

 

[firecracker]

Please put all that energy and time into yourself and your baby girl.

 

[I'mBloomingWithin]

You're daughter is adorable and you're very pretty! I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it's hard, but I would try not to focus on him and his girlfriend. I highly doubt that they will live happy ever after. It seems as though he has been a toxic presence in your life, and with time I think you'll realize that you are better off without him.

I totally agree. Don't waste another minute of negative energy on this guy. You deserve someone who's going to give you devotion and honesty. This is a grown man and he doesn't sound like he has his stuff together at all. He's splurging off of you, the girlfriend and his mom. When is he going to take responsibility for himself? If I were you I'd focus my energy on my kid and where I am headed in this life. Today is the day to start picking yourself up and realizing that you are worthy of so much more. It's going to take time to heal but eventually you will, trust me. He's doesn't sound like husband material. Think about it this way: Would you want that gorgeous daughter of yours with a man like him when she's your age? Get over him and FAST! Your new life awaits you. Direct all of your energy to better yourself and your kid. The less you worry about this dude and his girl (who I feel sorry for too), the sooner you can plan your new life.

 

[I'mBloomingWithin]

I also need to get over looking at him like an investment. Obviously, the person I've been to him and the things I've done weren't enough. I think once I can envision him out of my life (even if it was miserable while he was in it), I will be okay. The preceding post totally hit home, so I'm totally thankful.

And I'm sure after 6 years you know that he's not going to change! I was with someone for 4 years before I finally got it through my head that he was a JERK and I could do sooo much better... and I have. All it takes is telling him to get a life cuz he can't be in your's no more. But you have to mean it. I say life is short; make room for some good, strong, positive, man (with his own place and money) to come into your life.

 

[Sosoothing]

No matter what you do DO NOT take him back. And like someone else said, he and Miss 2006 are not happy. She is probably going through the same thing you are going through or even worse because now she is on edge trying to guess when he will pull his next disappearing act.
You need to now surround yourself with people who can understand and listen to you when you need to vent or cry. Focus on getting over this joker.