I text him first...

[C@ssandr@]

Is this a big deal?

Background: I've known him for 20 years. we were in 1st grade together. My family moved away shortly after but I would see him every couple of years when I came to the neighborhood. He happens to be close to my uncle who is also his neighbor . So last night I went to visit my aunt and uncle and this dude just happens to be there. Towards the end of the night he started lingering by the door instead of just going out (umm, I got the vibes that he liked me a little yearss ago). So I half-jokingly say "will it be another 10 years before I see you?" he says "you never come around". So he then gives me his number.


I text him hours later asking if he won a bet that he said he was gonna place later.

My friend thinks I "ruined" our "chances".

What's with all of this? Is it really that serious now? I figured 2 things: I sort of know him on friendly terms so do ALL of the "rules" apply? And secondly he's acting nervous as hayle around me so I thought an encouraging text would help. Oh well

Any 2 cents appreciated.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I don't think its that serious. But now that he has your number let him do majority of the contacting and initiating of conversations, hanging out, etc. It requires patience. Something most women do not have when it comes to romantics.

I have come to learn that in love...there are no hard fast rules and listening to your girlfriends can actually do more harm than good.

 

[C@ssandr@]

I don't think its that serious. But now that he has your number let him do majority of the contacting and initiating of conversations, hanging out, etc. It requires patience. Something most women do not have when it comes to romantics.

I have come to learn that in love...there are no hard fast rules and listening to your girlfriends can actually do more harm than good.

Agreed at the bolded.

When I came over last night my uncle pulled up a chair to make me sit next to him (*side eye*). I didn't want to sit because he seemed a bit nervous/skittish...but my uncle kept telling me to "sat down". I only text him first to be a bit encouraging, letting him know, "hey, I'm harmless". It was a 6 line conversation via text, lol. I don't get nervous about boys, but my bff is making me feel awkward about it now. Great!

 

[Theo]

I don't think you ruined anything. Its not like you asked him out or professed your love or anything.

I totally know what you mean about some guys needing a little nudging. Just a little though. Don't be too easy on him.

 

[hopeful]

That's not a big deal at all. You didn't ruin anything. Like really, if he liked you he's gonna be like man she texted me first so I can't pursue her now. That's silly.

 

[Windsy]

That's not a big deal at all. You didn't ruin anything. Like really, if he liked you he's gonna be like man she texted me first so I can't pursue her now. That's silly.

Thank you!!!

 

[C@ssandr@]

Umm, so yeah. He text me today and we've been chatting about our childhood memories. Maybe I should take some of my friend's advice with a grain of salt at times . Although, I was seriously expecting to be called "thirsty" .

Thanks yall!

 

[ellebelle88]

I don't think there was anything wrong with texting him first. But now that he has your number, I would let him do the pursuing just to be on the safe side. The only bad thing about texting is that some guys keep it on a text-level. You'll know if he's serious if he initiates a phone conversation. Most guys these days don't know how to call a woman to save their lives.

 

[NYAmicas]

There was nothing thirsty about it. Now if you had texted him again without him responding it wouldve seemed a bit thirsty to me. Glad you both are digging each other.

 

[C@ssandr@]

Yeah, I let him lead the conversation. It's all good. In the spirit of the Relationship forum, I'll let yall know how it goes .

Thanks!

 

[Lucie]

Invite me to the wedding, LOL. J/k! No worries hon. You sent a nice text, you got a response, and everything is okay. Now, you didn't send a text saying, "I had the mad crush on you and used to draw hearts with your name and mine." That would be an explosive thread. Why am I envisioning this developing into more? I am such a girly girl.

Enjoy yourself!

 

[barbiesocialite]

I've known my SO for a long time, we were platonic friends since highschool. This is our second time around, I know better. I think it's more important than ever to let him lead. It's real easy--easier than for most dudes that I just meet & date-- for him to get comfortable and lazy. That ain't happenin.

I don't do anything first. EVER. I don't text, call, initiate ideas or dates, or even remember his dates unless he brings up. Again, EVER. Even the serious content of our conversations, I let him initiate. He needs to do the work. If he wants me, I need him to show me. Plus, I want a hunter, I'mma let him chase.....

 

[C@ssandr@]

Invite me to the wedding, LOL. J/k! No worries hon. You sent a nice text, you got a response, and everything is okay. Now, you didn't send a text saying, "I had the mad crush on you and used to draw hearts with your name and mine." That would be an explosive thread. Why am I envisioning this developing into more? I am such a girly girl.

Enjoy yourself!

Yeah, we'll see what happens. Let's see if we can rekindle our friendship first

I've known my SO for a long time, we were platonic friends since highschool. This is our second time around, I know better. I think it's more important than ever to let him lead. It's real easy--easier than for most dudes that I just meet & date-- for him to get comfortable and lazy. That ain't happenin.

I don't do anything first. EVER. I don't text, call, initiate ideas or dates, or even remember his dates unless he brings up. Again, EVER. Even the serious content of our conversations, I let him initiate. He needs to do the work. If he wants me, I need him to show me. Plus, I want a hunter, I'mma let him chase.....

I won't be initiating anything either. We're not close yet, so I still need to observe what kind of guy he is. I'm very single, very available, but very very patient.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

OP....

I find that a lot of times it just depends. There aren't any real hard and fast rules about matters of the heart like this, but as a "general" rule, it's always better to let the guy initiate things.

But in this scenario, I don't really think you "ruined" any chances. I find it more telling that he was even there for the dinner over your aunt's house in the first place. I think they may have tried to set something up. If he's nervous around you, then more than likely he probably finds you attractive.

I think you can only "ruin" your chances with a guy by texting him first IF he wasn't really all that into you in the FIRST place...or if your texting is TOO frequent/bold. Usually guys don't lose interest in women that they already had an interest in if the woman shows a little interest back.

Right now I would just let him do the initiating, and don't put too much stock into text messaging. When he starts calling you and inviting you out places, THEN you can start putting a little more stock into his actions. Right now, just keep things light, simple, and don't be so available through text. Encourage him (through your actions) to CALL YOU!!

Wish you well!

I've known my SO for a long time, we were platonic friends since highschool. This is our second time around, I know better. I think it's more important than ever to let him lead. It's real easy--easier than for most dudes that I just meet & date-- for him to get comfortable and lazy. That ain't happenin.

I don't do anything first. EVER. I don't text, call, initiate ideas or dates, or even remember his dates unless he brings up. Again, EVER. Even the serious content of our conversations, I let him initiate. He needs to do the work. If he wants me, I need him to show me. Plus, I want a hunter, I'mma let him chase.....

Wow............did something happen between the two of you the first time around?? Just curious....it sounds like you learned a valuable lesson through experience. Do share...if you're comfortable.

 

[C@ssandr@]

OP....

I find that a lot of times it just depends. There aren't any real hard and fast rules about matters of the heart like this, but as a "general" rule, it's always better to let the guy initiate things.

But in this scenario, I don't really think you "ruined" any chances. I find it more telling that he was even there for the dinner over your aunt's house in the first place. I think they may have tried to set something up. If he's nervous around you, then more than likely he probably finds you attractive.

I think you can only "ruin" your chances with a guy by texting him first IF he wasn't really all that into you in the FIRST place...or if your texting is TOO frequent/bold. Usually guys don't lose interest in women that they already had an interest in if the woman shows a little interest back.

Right now I would just let him do the initiating, and don't put too much stock into text messaging. When he starts calling you and inviting you out places, THEN you can start putting a little more stock into his actions. Right now, just keep things light, simple, and don't be so available through text. Encourage him (through your actions) to CALL YOU!!

Wish you well!



Wow............did something happen between the two of you the first time around?? Just curious....it sounds like you learned a valuable lesson through experience. Do share...if you're comfortable.

He's good "friends" with my uncle. He was over there playing Scrabble (I love Scrabble!!!). They didn't know I was coming this time, but last time I was there my uncle left this dude a voice mail letting him know I was visiting . This is not the first time I noticed his nervousness either. But I had a man back then, lol.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Wow............did something happen between the two of you the first time around?? Just curious....it sounds like you learned a valuable lesson through experience. Do share...if you're comfortable.

He is spoiled. He is an IBM (Ideal Black Man) and he knows it. I've even been chastized a couple times by women implying that he appears to be a "catch" and that I should be nicer and there are lots of women looking for a guy like him, yada, yada..... I'm not gonna be one of the many treating this man like he is Jesus-Mandingo..... let some other chick stroke his ego....

When I'm nice, he doesn't act right. I learned that the ball has to stay in my court. I'm normally the suzie-homemaker type but he is cut off unless we get engaged. I don't cook for him, but I make sure he cooks for me. It takes a while for me to agree to go out, but I make sure he sets up dates. If he wants to come over, I make sure he is purchasing home decor. We've had sex before, he's not getting anything any time soon.....It's been almost 5 months this time and I still refuse to save his number in my phone....

The only person that's going to be on a pedestal in this relationship is ME.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

He is spoiled. He is an IBM (Ideal Black Man) and he knows it. I've even been chastized a couple times by women implying that he appears to be a "catch" and that I should be nicer and there are lots of women looking for a guy like him, yada, yada..... I'm not gonna be one of the many treating this man like he is Jesus-Mandingo..... let some other chick stroke his ego....

When I'm nice, he doesn't act right. I learned that the ball has to stay in my court. I'm normally the suzie-homemaker type but he is cut off unless we get engaged. I don't cook for him, but I make sure he cooks for me. It takes a while for me to agree to go out, but I make sure he sets up dates. If he wants to come over, I make sure he is purchasing home decor. We've had sex before, he's not getting anything any time soon.....It's been almost 5 months this time and I still refuse to save his number in my phone....

The only person that's going to be on a pedestal in this relationship is ME.

Oh wow...... Thanks for sharing.

Sounds like a lot of hard work and energy being with someone who you don't even feel comfortable being your complete self around.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way or anything, but why not find a man who's not so self-centered and who actually APPRECIATES it when you're nice to him?

I just fear that even if you two do end up getting married, you will still feel somewhat pressured to "hold back" with him for fear that he'll take advantage somehow.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Oh wow...... Thanks for sharing.

Sounds like a lot of hard work and energy being with someone who you don't even feel comfortable being your complete self around.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way or anything, but why not find a man who's not so self-centered and who actually APPRECIATES it when you're nice to him?

I just fear that even if you two do end up getting married, you will still feel somewhat pressured to "hold back" with him for fear that he'll take advantage somehow.

We've never been happier. I with him, and him with me.


But for the record, he is a great guy. Nonetheless, he is a great guy in his mid-late twenties. Those types are known to waste women's time and youth, regardless of the quality of man. A lot of women get swept up that's why you see them boo-hooing all the time over some man that never proposed and never had any intention in marrying them---yet they insisted on wasting years at a time on that man. They give so much of themselves, they don't/won't have anything left to give the right man that becomes their husband. Has never been me, won't ever be me. I'm good at being self-disciplined when it comes to my relationships, and IME, the more I maintain that level of balance, the happier I am in the relationship and the more likely it is to go where I need/want it

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

We've never been happier. I with him, and him with me.


But for the record, he is a great guy. Nonetheless, he is a great guy in his mid-late twenties. Those types are known to waste women's time and youth, regardless of the quality of man. A lot of women get swept up that's why you see them boo-hooing all the time over some man that never proposed and never had any intention in marrying them---yet they insisted on wasting years at a time on that man. They give so much of themselves, they don't/won't have anything left to give the right man that becomes their husband. Has never been me, won't ever be me. I'm good at being self-disciplined when it comes to my relationships, and IME, the more I maintain that level of balance, the happier I am in the relationship and the more likely it is to go where I need/want it

I see...

Yep that IS true! Guys... young guys especially need a little line drawn every once in a while. Men have become so coddled these days.

Well if it works for you, then great!

 

[Keshieshimmer]

You don't save his number? Clearly you are successful. Lol I can't find a man so do not mind me.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

He's good "friends" with my uncle. He was over there playing Scrabble (I love Scrabble!!!). They didn't know I was coming this time, but last time I was there my uncle left this dude a voice mail letting him know I was visiting . This is not the first time I noticed his nervousness either. But I had a man back then, lol.

Oh okay. Well, maybe they're trying to hook something up! How much younger is he than your aunt and uncle? Sounds like he's trying to stay "close" to the family lol.

 

[C@ssandr@]

Oh okay. Well, maybe they're trying to hook something up! How much younger is he than your aunt and uncle? Sounds like he's trying to stay "close" to the family lol.

He's 28, my uncle is in his 60's! It more like a uncle/nephew type thing they got going. Like, he'll run errands for my uncle, help set up for a barbecue, stuff like that. And it seems that they do alot of chillin' together....to the point where he's over there late at night. He's closer to my uncle than I am

 

[Syrah]

barbiesocialite Is there symbolism behind saving a man's number?

You won't save it in your phone, but it is committed to memory?

 

[barbiesocialite]

@barbiesocialite Is there symbolism behind saving a man's number?

You won't save it in your phone, but it is committed to memory?

@Syrah

As a rule, I don't save anyone's number. Nor do I remember numbers-- especially men's.

There are two reasons for this:

1. I don't call men--or rather it's extremely rare that I do. So there's no point in saving their number. If I need to return a call, I can find it in my recent call history from when they called.

2. Numbers are generic, people's names are individual; Saving a number to a name an act of permanence, as well as exceptional importance, in my mind. So I guess there is symbolism, keeping people's generic means they can be replaced. There are only about 14-16 numbers saved in my phone, half of them are doctor's offices and carryouts

I have acquired a case of selective amnesia tend but I tend to recognize the first three digits of people's number to identify who's calling. I won't lie,there have been times where I have gotten men confused with each other. I've called a number of people the wrong name before. They get over it.

 

[C@ssandr@]

I keep all my "friends" numbers in my phone. I only commit my SO's number to memory. If there's someone I'm trying to avoid it's necessary to see a name so I don't answer by accident.

 

[Syrah]

@Syrah

As a rule, I don't save anyone's number. Nor do I remember numbers-- especially men's.

There are two reasons for this:

1. I don't call men--or rather it's extremely rare that I do. So there's no point in saving their number. If I need to return a call, I can find it in my recent call history from when they called.

2. Numbers are generic, people's names are individual; Saving a number to a name an act of permanence, as well as exceptional importance, in my mind. So I guess there is symbolism, keeping people's generic means they can be replaced. There are only about 14-16 numbers saved in my phone, half of them are doctor's offices and carryouts

I have acquired a case of selective amnesia tend but I tend to recognize the first three digits of people's number to identify who's calling. I won't lie,there have been times where I have gotten men confused with each other. I've called a number of people the wrong name before. They get over it.

I guess its a matter of behavior. For you, because so little is saved in your phone to begin with, there is some degree of permanence associated with saving a name and number.

In my phone I've got just about anything/anyone I've called more than three times because I can't remember **** and refuse to waste my brain space memorizing/recognizing phone numbers. Plus, I don't like surprises. I want to know who it is before I pick up the phone.

 

[barbiesocialite]

I keep all my "friends" numbers in my phone. I only commit my SO's number to memory. If there's someone I'm trying to avoid it's necessary to see a name so I don't answer by accident.

I have a "DO NOT ANSWER" listing for nuisances

but yea, I'm sorry for derailing your thread lol

 

[Syrah]

I keep all my "friends" numbers in my phone. I only commit my SO's number to memory. If there's someone I'm trying to avoid it's necessary to see a name so I don't answer by accident.

It wasn't until about 2 months ago, that I had SO's number committed to memory - and I knew this only because I was filling out a form for him. I went to reach for my phone and realized I already had the first 6 digits written out. "Oh, I do know your number".

Back to the OP's question: I think its all about norms and doing, with men, what is part of your normal behavior. If texting people to say hello is part of that then there's no reason to stray from that because the other party is a man.

 

[curlycoquette]

I think the only rules that count are the ones that best position you to receive the type of relationship dynamic that you want.