How to be tactful but get my point across?

[MissJ]

I graduated last year, and I e-mailed one of my professors recently asking him to be a reference for me. He e-mailed me back with one question, asking how my ex-boyfriend is doing. Okay, that's definitely not a question I would have expected him to ask, given the fact that I broke up with my ex-boyfriend years ago and that I had not seen him since 2009.

My ex went to a school, and I started at the same school a couple years later. During my first year, my ex went to this particular professor for advisement. Somehow during the meeting, my ex told the man that I wanted to get married to him, but he did not want to get married. He also said that I moved there following him. Completes lies. Anyway, the professor responded to this by taking out his book that has all of the students' pictures and looked me up.

Then I spent the next 3 semesters after that in the professor's classes. As a result of my ex' lies, the man asks me about him every time he sees me. I haven't seen my professor in over a year, but the last time I saw him I answered questions about the ex but said that I did not like him in a romantic way. The professor was insinuating that I would be moving to be with my ex, who was presumably moving out of state.

The truth about the ex is that I have questions about his mental stability. I have not seen him since June 26, 2009, the day after Michael Jackson passed away. This idiot claimed he wanted to be nice to me by taking me to dinner on that day. Well, I drove, missed a turn, and he started screaming. We weren't even in the car for 5 minutes when he started. I immediately turned around to drop his crazy behind off at his place. As I started to drive off, this fool jumped on the hood of my car. He would not get off, and I did not want to throw him off the car in the middle of the night. He eventually sat up on the hood of my car and started banging on the windshield. I was so upset, but I wouldn't get out of the car, nor would I take my foot off the brakes with him sitting up there. People were trying to drive by and didn't know why I was stopped in the middle of the driveway. It was a mess. I would say that the idiot was up there at least 5 or 10 minutes until he figured out that I was not getting out of the car.

I went home, very upset. I called my parents. My dad pointed out something to me that I didn't even think about. What if I had ran him over and killed him? He said that he knew two brothers from back in the day. One brother ran in front of the other brother's car and was run over. He said that my ex' family would say I had ran over him and killed him on purpose. I could go to prison. A few days later, one of his friends messaged me on Facebook about the car incident, and he was laughing. I told him what really happened, and he said he hadn't heard all of that. I told him that if the ex ever came near me again, I would take out a restraining order on him.

So, I really do not want anyone asking me about this fool, but I would probably look bad by telling my professor the truth about the ex. If I mention retraining order, that's going to sound extra and dramatic. If I tell the story of what happened, I'll probably sound bitter and crazy or be giving too much information. If I say that I don't know, he's going to keep asking about the lunatic, insisting that I like the guy in a romantic way. I also don't want to give the professor bad feelings about me, as people will be calling him asking about me for jobs in the future. Any suggestions?

 

[Zuleika]

Tell him the two of you are no longer together. The last time you heard he was doing well. Just make sure you get the reference, but keep the answers about the ex nice and short.

 

[tinkat]

This is an awkward situation (your ex sound like a narcissistic nutcase with serious anger problems) . I have learned that whenever you have a memorable ex, especially one that a person is fond of despite whatever mess you've had with them, people are going to ask.

Me personally I would just tell him that I don't communicate with him anymore and its been two years since. If he asked why, I would just say, sometimes the past is meant to stay there.

IDK maybe others can chime in.

 

[tinkat]

Tell him the two of you are no longer together. The last time you heard he was doing well. Just make sure you get the reference, but keep the answers about the ex nice and short.

thats a good response

 

[InchHighPrivateEye]

First of all: W.T.F.?

Regarding the professor, I don't think that's an appropriate question in the first place, especially since it's been at least a year since you've graduated. People date people in school all the time and then move on with life. In written form, when asked, I would just write that I don't speak with the ex anymore so I am unsure of what he's doing.

If I saw the professor in person and he asked me, I would very dramatically (yet, in a natural way so as not to make it appear dramatic like I'm being extra--does that make sense?) look puzzled like, "oh....what? Why woul--*quick laugh as if to dismiss it* I'm sorry, I really don't know . Oh, yes, so this company that I am interviewing with..."

 

[ThickHair]

Do you really REALLY need the professor's reference? If not, I would steer clear of him. He has some odd fascination with your ex and that would really make me feel uncomfortable.

If you have no one else then I would do what the poster mentioned up thread (You have no idea what Fruit Cake is doing), but me thinks if you engage the professor with any talk about the Fruit Cake, it will become a tangled web. That sounds very odd.

 

[MissJ]

Yeah, I need him to be a reference for me. I've been applying to places that need 3 or 4 references. I was in 3 of his classes, and he knows my work ethic. I've put off responding to the e-mail for days. I blame my ex for this problem.

The fact of the matter is the last time I saw my ex, he was trying to become a professional poker player by going to the casino almost every day. When he wasn't at the casino, he was playing video games and bootlegging DVDs off the internet. A month prior to that, he offered to take me to dinner for making the deans list. I went, and he proceeded to tell me I was going to be his wife, although I had broken up with him years before then. I told him that we don't get along. He said that we would get along as long as I didn't ***** about him going to the casino.

That part was shocking. He wanted me to basically support him, while he would gamble every night at the casino. In reality, I don't know what he's doing right now, but if I were to take a guess, I would say that he's probably still trying to be a professional poker player. I think my professor probably assumes that the guy is practicing law by now.

 

[NYAmicas]

All you have to do is keep it short & to the point. "We are no longer speaking" or "I haven't been in contact with him in years."

Anyone with common sense would take it as end of conversation & he then can focus on your reference.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I'd say...I'm not sure. We haven't seen each other or spoken in many years.
This is what I say now when people ask about my ex. It usually indicates we've parted and I dont care how he is doing. *kanye shrug*

 

[hopeful]

I would be straight forward and say we haven't spoken in a long time and I don't know anything about him these days. And yes, the professor is being unprofessional. It would be hard enough if y'all had just broken up and he was a normal dude, but he's looney tunes, girl you cannot keep up a charade like that. And who knows the prof may know your ex is crazy and wants to know if you still hang out with his crazy behind.

 

[GraceV]

Never mind

 

[LiftedUp]

You don't have to go into the long gory details. A simple "We broke up a couple of years ago and are no longer in touch. However, I'm sure that he's doing well for himself." is all you need.

That story right there will make you both sound crazy lol.

eta: Please don't say anything negative or personal about him. It will come across unprofessional and as being negative and vindictive which can work against you regarding the professor as he/she knew him first. It can backfire on yourself or backfires if he ask the same professor to be a reference. In addition the negativity is not good for your karma.

 

[awhyley]

Tell him the two of you are no longer together. The last time you heard he was doing well. Just make sure you get the reference,

That pretty much sums it up. Don't talk all your business (or his). Just get the reference.
(eta: Hopefully, now that he knows that that relationship is over, he won't ask again.)

 

[Iluvsmuhgrass]

ITA Keep it short, sweet, and to the point (and be professional.)


As far as professors asking about SO's. Certain professors would ask about mine all of the time... but we had that kind of relationship. He could be trying to make pleasant (although awkward) conversation or trying to figure out if you're as nutty as a Yuletide fruitcake. Being professional (and leaving out personal details) is your best bet.

 

[MissJ]

I would be straight forward and say we haven't spoken in a long time and I don't know anything about him these days. And yes, the professor is being unprofessional. It would be hard enough if y'all had just broken up and he was a normal dude, but he's looney tunes, girl you cannot keep up a charade like that. And who knows the prof may know your ex is crazy and wants to know if you still hang out with his crazy behind.

I did keep up the charade before. A few months after the car incident, the professor saw me walking toward the building at school. He waited for me to get to him and started talking. He asked about the guy. The guy had recently sent two little girls to my apartment to deliver flowers and a letter. I was sleeping at the time, so their mother wrote a note for me on a napkin. She said she'd came by to talk to me about my ex and try to get us back together.

I can just picture how that meeting would have gone. I would have sent the girls to my bedroom so they couldn't hear what was I about to say and tell the mother exactly why this guy was my ex. The guy also sent another letter with tickets to Michael's movie, This Is It. He wanted me to go see the movie with him. I went, but I went by myself. Another time, he made a video on Youtube proposing to me.

What I gathered from the letters and video was that he was moving to North Carolina to work for and care for his dad who had cancer. He wanted me to move with him. I think he thought I would be a sucker to move and be the one taking care of his dad who has cancer. He's never taken care of anyone and barely knows his dad. Even my mom knew he wouldn't be taking care of the dad.

I just told the professor that he was moving to North Carolina to practice law with his dad. Well, a few months later, I saw on Facebook that he was still in town after the time he was supposed to move to North Carolina. The whole thing was probably an untrue sob story. If it was untrue, it probably looks like I lied to my professor.

 

[ThickHair]

Miss J, dude sound like a potential\borderline stalker.

 

[PatTodd]

Ask someone else for a reference. 'Nuff said.

 

[MissJ]

Miss J, dude sound like a potential\borderline stalker.

Well, he can stalk somebody else. Since I mentioned "restraining order" to his friend, he has not come near me. I'm pretty sure he does not want that on his record. I doubt if we live near each other now.

Ask someone else for a reference. 'Nuff said.

No, I ask people who are enthusiastic in recommending me rather than people who will say they will and put it off or say/write a bunch of crap about me (really not saying much) and go to their Tea Party meetings after class.

I replied saying that I haven't seen or spoken to the guy in about two years, so I wouldn't know how he is doing.

 

[gabulldawg]

This is an awkward situation (your ex sound like a narcissistic nutcase with serious anger problems) . I have learned that whenever you have a memorable ex, especially one that a person is fond of despite whatever mess you've had with them, people are going to ask.

Me personally I would just tell him that I don't communicate with him anymore and its been two years since. If he asked why, I would just say, sometimes the past is meant to stay there.

IDK maybe others can chime in.

The bolded is SO TRUE!!! My ex was pretty much just as crazy as OP's. While we were dating we had an incident with a car that was similar. erplexed Anyway, people asked me about him for the longest time after we broke up, and every time it was like someone sticking a knife in my chest. To people on the outside he was a funny guy who was always the life of the party. Always had to have the whole room's attention devoted to him. I remember going to a family function shortly after I started dating my now-DH. One of my aunts asked about my ex and I kept it short and just told her it didn't work out (didn't go into detail). She proceeded to tell me how sad she was that we didn't work out. erplexed I wanted to tell her all the crap he put me through just to shut her up. But that's a manipulator for you. They get everyone on their side so YOU look like the crazy one.


I agree that you should take the high road, TO AN EXTENT. If I were in your position I'd probably answer with something like, "I haven't talked to him in a while. I'd actually really appreciate if you didn't ask me about him anymore."