HELP!! confused about lying bf (long)

[runwaydream]

ok ladies. here goes. now i love my boyfriend dearly. we haven't been together for a long time but it feels like we have. we always say that it just feels like we're meant to be together. we're even making plans on getting married once i'm done with school.

he has given me his myspace password a long time ago and i read through his email and he answered any questions i had about them. this really upped the trust level by a lot. a few weeks later i was at his house and while he was taking a shower i started checked his facebook that he left up. (i swear i had just planned on logging off and going under my name but it was just THERE. and my curiosity got the best of me. plus if he gave me his myspace that means he doesn't have anything to hide on fb right?) so anyway i go and read his emails. in all honesty i really didn't expect to find anything. but... i did. i saw a message he wrote to one of his female friends that was written on the day that me and him became official and he changed his status. she had wrote a comment on his wall saying "wow that was quick, tell me about her" (he had broken up with his ex 3 months earlier.) well n e how the message that he wrote to her was:

"yea, it kinda was quick, but I guess I was sitting around waiting to see how stuff was gonna develop ya know and I eneded up meeting her the night I decided to go to the club alone since dion was bugging and all. (dion is his roommate) she is... really don't know how to explain her except unique. (is this a compliment? i kno i say that about myself but.. couldnt he think of a better way to describe me?) right now we are more so and open relationship (negro, since when!?!) but i wanted to change my status to throw it into the face of micheriablush: ladies this damn near killed me). so we will see where this goes or if it takes off like i said its still and open relationship so we gonna see who we gonna see but in the long run if no one can change our minds we will stay together."

ok.. now at this point we had been together "officially" for almost a month and things were going really well plus like i said our relationship was pretty fast and intense so it felt like a yr. anyway im not one who can easily pretend that something is ok when it isn't so he knew right away something was wrong. i confronted him about his fb and told him that we should be in an open relationship since that's how we started out anyway. he protested and his whole explanation on this thing was that he had thought that she might've liked him for awhile now and after she wrote that comment on his wall it raised his suspicions even higher. so he wrote that message to see if it was true. after she didn't say anything that made it seem like she wanted to get together he left it alone (which from the fb convo he did, nothing else was ever brought up about it) but my thing is.. that explanation seems i mean it just SOUNDS like a lie. or at least not the complete truth. but he swore up and down that it was and he gave me his fb psswd and told me to check it whenever i want and that he has nothing to hide from me.

we moved on from there and i tried my best to leave it alone and to not keep bringing it up. anyway i haven't checked his messages in quite some time. (all in all i trust him and honestly don't think he's cheating on me) today i read the thread by adequate asking do we check our SO's messages. after reading that thread it got me in the mood to check his. so i did.. i didn't find anything incriminating really but i DID find some things that bothered me. today he has an interview at disney and he got a summer job at universal with me. he also got offered another job at finishline. (he has just graduated 3 mths ago and couldn't find a job for awhile. he even considered going back to his hometown to get back on his feet, then all of a sudden he got all these job offers at once) ok.. so i read his myspace and he's talking about how he's being showered w. job offers.. which i guess is sorta true. but THEN he started adding stuff that wasn't true. like universal offered him a job to design their clothing line or w/e (hes a graphic designer) this isn't true. we both got offered a job to rent out strollers. he also said disney offered him this job too. and he also said finishline offered him this prestigious job (cant remember what exactly) ...again.. not true. they offered him a job selling shoes. that's IT. he also said apple offered him a job and all of these other places.. they DIDN'T. i just can't understand why he's so BLATANTLY lying. esp when he kept going on and on about how he hates how his roommate is a liar. and plus i personally can't STAND ppl who lie for no good reason. it really gets under my skin.

so now idk what to think. i mean i'm telling you i hate, hate, HATE liars. i really do. and now he's just sitting here lying his a$$ off. for apparently no good reason. and if he's lying to his friends for no good reason why wouldn't he lie to ME for a good one? what makes me think he hasn't lied to me already? idk.. im not really that experienced in relationships so i'm not sure what to think.

all i can say about him and our relationship is that he treats me wonderfully. he has his flaws but i'm trying to get around them. he puts up with me and my bull$hit and trust me i put up alot. whenever we have a problem he's always trying to work it out instead of run away from it (im usually doing the running) he's a complete gentleman and treats me with the utmost respect. he's really trying to do something with his life and says that i'm his motivation.. but idk sometimes you guys.. anyway just tell me what you think.

i see that not alot of u ladies are in the relationship forum today.. either way i'll be grateful to any piece of advice i get. TIA!!

 

[hunnybunny81]

If you really despise liars as much as you say you do. Then leave this situation alone. It seems to me you are trying to justify his lying with the fact that he treats you nice. I don't think you are wrong for feeling how you feel, but I think the fact that you have doubt....is telling you something. Listen to your intuition...months from now, if things don't work out you will kick yourself for not leaving the situation alone....It seems that you don't trust him and once that element is introduced into a relationship, its damn hard to get rid of it....

Lying for no reason at all is a red flag to me, and I think deep down it is a red flag to you as well

I read this quote somewhere and forgot who said it but it went something like this...

"Advice is what we seek when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't"

I'm not telling you what to do, but I think your intuition is telling you...

 

[BroadstreetBully]

If something is bothering you this early in the relationship I suggest you do some serious self reflection on this whole thing. Trust your gut. Right now i'm not seeing anything that screams DUMP HIM but keep your eyes open. Don't be so quick to confront him on everything you find out, just keep these things in mind and put two and two together. Like I said, a woman's intuition is a scary thing, had I trusted my intuition I wouldn't have been with half the guys I dated from day one. Good Luck

 

[foxxymami]

You say that he puts up with a lot of your bs and he always addresses the root whenever you two have a problem. But if you've been together for only one month what kind of problems are you guys having so early on?

I think that the fact that you went into this so fast, its clouding your ability to justify breaking up with him. I don't know your SO well enough to make a judgment on his character. Maybe he's a habitual liar and you should watch out; maybe he's lives in a fairy tale land and he's harmless...idk. However, I will say that a month isn't very long to be giving him so many passes.

I've read somewhere before that it's dangerous to start regarding new boyfriends/girlfriends as future spouses--it causes you to miss any red flags because you're so focused on getting to the finish line....getting married.

 

[PatTodd]

I don't think you are confused.

If you think he is a liar, he is a liar. Plain and simple.

You have identified a lot of red flags. The tendency to lie and/or exaggerate is strong evidence concerning a person's character.

If you continue this relationship, expect more of the same.

 

[drasgrl]

So basically lies and he's with you to throw it in the face of his ex and he wants an open relationship. If that's what you want go for it. If it's not then move on. It's only been a month and you're talking marriage already? Do you even really know him? He treats you nice but he lies to you. You can find someone who is honest and treats you the same way. Lying is a big issue for me as well. Don't waste your time if he's not up to your expectations.

 

[foxxymami]

If something is bothering you this early in the relationship I suggest you do some serious self reflection on this whole thing. Trust your gut. Right now i'm not seeing anything that screams DUMP HIM but keep your eyes open. Don't be so quick to confront him on everything you find out, just keep these things in mind and put two and two together. Like I said, a woman's intuition is a scary thing, had I trusted my intuition I wouldn't have been with half the guys I dated from day one. Good Luck

I agree. I'm not sure it's wise to be so all up in each other's business so soon. I think that you should not confront him about messages that were sent out in the beginning of your relationship. Runaway, I don't think you should check his email or FB if you are going to keep finding things that bother you and will end up getting into a confrontation over. This is such a new relationship and I think you two should just focus on getting to know each other slowly and have fun together!

 

[Crystal]

How does that saying go?

If it looks like a duck, if it waddles like a duck, if it quacks like a duck- then it's probably a duck.

 

[nychaelasymone]

Life is Short....

that is all

 

[deltagyrl]

Run, girl, RUN!!!!

 

[runwaydream]

hmm..i'm seeing some very good advice here. perhaps i worded some things wrong though. i meant i found the fb message that he sent in the beginning of the relationship (like first day we decided to be official) but by the time i found it we hadn't even been official for a month yet. we've been official for two months now. still not alot of time i know but we fell in so quickly that it feels like longer. its kind of like that thread when they were asking how many ppl have you instantly clicked with. well.. our relationship is kind of like that.

 

[runwaydream]

You say that he puts up with a lot of your bs and he always addresses the root whenever you two have a problem. But if you've been together for only one month what kind of problems are you guys having so early on?

I think that the fact that you went into this so fast, its clouding your ability to justify breaking up with him. I don't know your SO well enough to make a judgment on his character, so I won't. Maybe he's a habitual liar and you should watch out; maybe he's lives in a fairy tale land and he's harmless...idk. However, I will say that a month isn't very long to be giving him so many passes.

I've read somewhere before that it's dangerous to start regarding new boyfriends/girlfriends as future spouses--it causes you to miss any red flags because you're so focused on getting to the finish line....getting married.

wow.. that bolded comment you made really made me think. i guess thats true. i never thought of it that way before.

as for the issues that we've been having so early on that you inquired about. we haven't been having any major issues LATELY. nothing but little disagreements from time to time that lasts for a few minutes before it gets squashed. the mess that we went through before that he tried to get to the root of was the issue of his ex gf. she still had her stuff over his house and that was a major issue for me. if he was gonna move on then he should've done just that. he kept telling me that he's called her multiple times to get her stuff out of his house and even threatened to throw it out if she didn't come get it but she kept making up excuses as to why she couldnt do it. (I believe him on this b/c when i started pressuring him to make sure she got her stuff she kept giving reasons as to why she couldnt) this eventually got resolved, he made her get her stuff out and its not an issue anymore. another issue was the fact that she kept calling him to have casual conversation and even though he was short with her he still picked up and talked to her... sometimes right in front of me. that was a MAJOR issue. he had since called her in front of me telling her he has moved on and to stop calling him b/c neither him, nor i, appreciate it. so that's no longer an issue.

other things that were an issue wasn't entirely his fault other than those listed above. alot of it was my parents are really old school and dont like me over his house (they dont think a girl should be over a guys house, they say the guy would have no respect for the female). they also didn't like him for other stupid reasons. they were putting alot of pressure on me to not date him and to find someone else. also money was an issue. and day to day stresses that not having money forces you to face at some point. but now that seems to be resolved. its not really an issue anymore.

but anyways those were the issues that we faced early on in the relationship. i told him also that it made no sense for us to be having so many problems so early on and he attributed that to us moving so fast. he said when ppl move that fast they're bound to face more problems then ppl who move into the relationship slowly b/c we're facing problems all at once that ppl in normal relationships face over a longer period of time.

ETA: ^^^ so this being said everything has been going really well lately.

 

[hunnybunny81]

I've had a guy call a chick in front of me to try to prove something, and in the end he still ended up talking to her behind my back anyways. Just because he did that in front of you doesn't prove anything.....you have no way to know if he says that in front of you and then calls her when you aren't around and tells her he just said those things so he could save face with you...

I've been on both ends of the spectrum...I've had a guy call me and say those things while the girl was there and then hours later call back and say "I just said that so she'd stop tripping"

Just be mindful and cautious...you have no idea what lengths some men will go to to cover up lies...

 

[runwaydream]

So basically lies and he's with you to throw it in the face of his ex and he wants an open relationship. If that's what you want go for it. If it's not then move on. It's only been a month and you're talking marriage already? Do you even really know him? He treats you nice but he lies to you. You can find someone who is honest and treats you the same way. Lying is a big issue for me as well. Don't waste your time if he's not up to your expectations.

i see what you mean.. i don't have any proof that he lied to me tho. nor do i have any suspicions that he does. the only time that he lied that i kno of he confessed without me even asking. his ex used to cheat on him all the time and i had asked him (this was b4 we were official) did he ever cheat on her since she cheated on him so often. he told me no. but after we started going out he told me he did cheat on her once toward the end of the relationship. he said he told me b/c now that we're together he doesn't want to keep anything from me and he doesn't want to have any secrets.

but again i see what you mean. there's a lot of good advice on all of these posts that i'm going to have to think over.

 

[SqrpioQutie]

if i've missed this somewhere in the thread, i apologize.. but...

have you talked to (or do you plan on talking to) him about your concerns at all?... find out what's going on in his head... make your decisions based off of what you learn when you get the whole story....

 

[runwaydream]

I've had a guy call a chick in front of me to try to prove something, and in the end he still ended up talking to her behind my back anyways. Just because he did that in front of you doesn't prove anything.....you have no way to know if he says that in front of you and then calls her when you aren't around and tells her he just said those things so he could save face with you...

I've been on both ends of the spectrum...I've had a guy call me and say those things while the girl was there and then hours later call back and say "I just said that so she'd stop tripping"

Just be mindful and cautious...you have no idea what lengths some men will go to to cover up lies...

yea i've considered this. but from their history i don't see why this would happen. i mean she cheated on him throughout the entire relationship. for the last half of their relationship it was absolute crap. she hated him and he couldn't stand her so... idk. i've thought about this too but when i think about it rationally... i dont think him cheating on me w. her is something that could happen..

if i've missed this somewhere in the thread, i apologize.. but...

have you talked to (or do you plan on talking to) him about your concerns at all?... find out what's going on in his head... make your decisions based off of what you learn when you get the whole story....

well i haven't decided whether or not i want to say anything. im not exactly sure if i should.

 

[NYAmicas]

He might be a pathological liar or he likes to show off. I cant really tell by what you wrote. I'd keep my eyes on his accounts if I was you........and make sure he wears protection.

 

[caltron]

I think the both of you rushed too quickly into this relationship. From what you've written, I don't have enough to go on to tell whether he is a liar or not. I'm still a little concerned that he moved quickly because he was wanting to get back at someone else. That doesn't seem to be a good foundation for a relationship and I don't know if I would ever feel secure under those circumstances.

Anyway, best of luck, whether you stay or not.

 

[Spongie Bloom]

I don't think you are confused.

If you think he is a liar, he is a liar. Plain and simple.

You have identified a lot of red flags. The tendency to lie and/or exaggerate is strong evidence concerning a person's character.

If you continue this relationship, expect more of the same.

I agree with this, 2 months and you are considering marrying this guy do you even know a lot about him except for his myspace page? and things that he has told you? and havent had a chance to find these things out yourself? how old is this boy? summer job... sounds like he is in college and you think a college guy is thinking about marriage..are you sure you are even on teh same page? can i ask is this your first boyfriend??....i remember you writing another post about some guy not sure its the same one and you were having 'problems' is this the same guy? I dont know what YOU should do but its too much drama for me, a 21 yr old college student

 

[runwaydream]

I agree with this, 2 months and you are considering marrying this guy do you even know a lot about him except for his myspace page? and things that he has told you? and havent had a chance to find these things out yourself? how old is this boy? summer job... sounds like he is in college and you think a college guy is thinking about marriage..are you sure you are even on teh same page? can i ask is this your first boyfriend??....i remember you writing another post about some guy not sure its the same one and you were having 'problems' is this the same guy? I dont know what YOU should do but its too much drama for me, a 21 yr old college student

yes we are considering marriage but we are aware that theres a chance it wouldn't get that far. we don't plan on getting married until i'm out of school. which wont be til 2 yrs from now.
yes i do believe we are on the same page. he's the one that brought up the possibility of marriage to begin with. and i do see myself marrying him if we made it that far. but that's not for awhile anyways. i just mentioned that in my post to show how serious we are about each other.

he's no longer in college. i am. he graduated two years ago. he got a summer job with me b/c he didn't find a job that was related to his major right off the bat so he just needed a job to pay the bills until he found one. he may have gotten one (like i said he has an interview at disney).

yes he is my first boyfriend. i've dated a lot of guys before. some for longer periods than i've been with my current bf but i didnt feel strongly enough about them to claim them as a bf. i would always decline the offer b/c i wouldn't get into something unless i'm sure i am willing to commit completely to that person and that there is a good possibility that a relationship with them will work out. i take something like that very seriously.

i did write a post about him before and it was about him playing his playstation and not paying enough attention to me.

 

[runwaydream]

well.. i just came back from work and i just wanted to give all of you lovely ladies an update.

he had came over my house and saw that i was being a bit.. aloof i guess u can say and he saw me on the forum. i guess he caught the title and when he went home he went on the forum from his computer and read what was said. (im always at his house so i have my username and password saved on his comp) so he confronted me about it. he was mainly upset that i didnt bring it up to him first so that we can resolve it and instead told you guys.

his explanation is was that the girl he wrote that to was a girl that goes to his same school and is in the same major as he is. he said he's only met her in person once, at a party. but he said the type of person she is, she would get discouraged pretty easily if he told her the truth. which was it was very difficult to find a job after graduation.

this is true, he couldn't find even the simplest job. like i said he wanted to get a regular job to pay the bills before he could find another job that actually pertained to his major. he had a lot of difficulty finding it because they said he was "over qualified" he didnt get the job at universal (the summer job) until 3 months after graduating. he told me that this girl has 16 mths before she graduates and he was afraid that if she knew exactly how difficult it was to find a job he would discourage her from finishing the program.

 

[Bunny77]

well.. i just came back from work and i just wanted to give all of you lovely ladies an update.

he had came over my house and saw that i was being a bit.. aloof i guess u can say and he saw me on the forum. i guess he caught the title and when he went home he went on the forum from his computer and read what was said. (im always at his house so i have my username and password saved on his comp) so he confronted me about it. he was mainly upset that i didnt bring it up to him first so that we can resolve it and instead told you guys.

his explanation is was that the girl he wrote that to was a girl that goes to his same school and is in the same major as he is. he said he's only met her in person once, at a party. but he said the type of person she is, she would get discouraged pretty easily if he told her the truth. which was it was very difficult to find a job after graduation.

this is true, he couldn't find even the simplest job. like i said he wanted to get a regular job to pay the bills before he could find another job that actually pertained to his major. he had a lot of difficulty finding it because they said he was "over qualified" he didnt get the job at universal (the summer job) until 3 months after graduating. he told me that this girl has 16 mths before she graduates and he was afraid that if she knew exactly how difficult it was to find a job he would discourage her from finishing the program.

^^^Okay, I don't know your man, but...

If you believe this bullcrap, I have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell ya...

 

[runwaydream]

^^^Okay, I don't know your man, but...

If you believe this bullcrap, I have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell ya...

really?! erplexed it seems like it made perfect sense. it's either i really can't tell when someone's pulling one over on me or i'm not explaining it right. idk anymore...

 

[Bunny77]

really?! erplexed it seems like it made perfect sense. it's either i really can't tell when someone's pulling one over on me or i'm not explaining it right. idk anymore...

I mean, I guess I'm wondering why he would need to make up such a tale to tell someone that he met once at a party and barely knows... I mean, what's the point? So the hell what that some chick he met at a party once gets discouraged about her job prospects.

That's on her... why does HE feel the need to lie to someone he barely knows and someone who (according to his story) has some personal issues he needs to deal with.


All I'm saying is that he seems to have too many stories to tell you about interactions with a bunch of women that he says are insignificant. This just doesn't add up to me.

 

[Bunny77]

Okay wait, I just re-read your original post. You said that he posted this information about his jobs on MYSPACE.

Now in this last post, you're saying that he wrote the lies about the jobs to some girl he met once. But that doesn't make sense because he put it on his MySpace page... so in other words, if his excuse is that he only did this to encourage some girl he barely knows, then why put it on his MySpace page where tons of folks would be able to see it?

Honestly, I don't care how intense this relationship may have been... you don't really know this guy and can't know someone that well in a two-month period.

Think about this with your head, not your heart.

 

[runwaydream]

^^ oh no.. he didnt write it on his PAGE they were writing messages on myspace and i went onto his account and read it. he did only meet her once at a party but they've kept touch on myspace.

to his credit i haven't seen her too much in his inbox so i dont think they talk all that often

ETA: he posted a bulletin about his job interview at disney today and she responded and wrote:

"what kinda stuff you getting? i'm worried as **** and i don't graduate for another 9ish months "

 

[locabouthair]

I think those are two important red flags, especially about him lying. When you look at a guy, it's not just about how he treats you, you have to look at his whole character.

I think you know what you need to do.

I'm sure you can find better.
Plus you're young, don't waste your time on someone who's not worth it.

 

[starfish]

well.. i just came back from work and i just wanted to give all of you lovely ladies an update.

he had came over my house and saw that i was being a bit.. aloof i guess u can say and he saw me on the forum. i guess he caught the title and when he went home he went on the forum from his computer and read what was said. (im always at his house so i have my username and password saved on his comp) so he confronted me about it. he was mainly upset that i didnt bring it up to him first so that we can resolve it and instead told you guys.

his explanation is was that the girl he wrote that to was a girl that goes to his same school and is in the same major as he is. he said he's only met her in person once, at a party. but he said the type of person she is, she would get discouraged pretty easily if he told her the truth. which was it was very difficult to find a job after graduation.

this is true, he couldn't find even the simplest job. like i said he wanted to get a regular job to pay the bills before he could find another job that actually pertained to his major. he had a lot of difficulty finding it because they said he was "over qualified" he didnt get the job at universal (the summer job) until 3 months after graduating. he told me that this girl has 16 mths before she graduates and he was afraid that if she knew exactly how difficult it was to find a job he would discourage her from finishing the program.

Dang. I wasn't going to respond to this thread because I am old and bitter and cynical but c'mon. Your SO appears to be a lying, cheating charlatan who knows just what to tell/show you so that you don't question him. It is so very obvious to me and some others, but me thinks your inexperience with men is clouding your judgment.

Good luck.

 

[runwaydream]

I think those are two important red flags, especially about him lying. When you look at a guy, it's not just about how he treats you, you have to look at his whole character.

I think you know what you need to do.

I'm sure you can find better.
Plus you're young, don't waste your time on someone who's not worth it.

Dang. I wasn't going to respond to this thread because I am old and bitter and cynical but c'mon. Your SO appears to be a lying, cheating charlatan who knows just what to tell/show you so that you don't question him. It is so very obvious to me and some others, but me thinks your inexperience with men is clouding your judgment.

Good luck.

wow.. what are you guys seeing that i'm not?! maybe it is my inexperience speaking but.. i dont see why you guys think he's cheating. i honestly don't think he is. he's with me all the time and if we're not together we're talking on AIM and if we're not on AIM or together it's cause i'm workiing, and in that case we're either on the phone or texting constantly. unless we're sleeping we're always in constant contact with each other.

i guess from the first post i can see where you guys are coming from. but like someone mentioned i shouldn't ...i dont take it too seriously b/c it was in the very beginning of our relationship. and a lot has changed since then. the girl he said that to was a friend of his and i met her awhile back at a party. while i do think she might be interested in him from the way she was acting i don't think he's cheating on me w. her.

maybe he is a liar tho.. that i can't argue too much with. i just don't have any solid proof that he's ever lied to me. the only time i kno of he's told me about and had he NOT told me i probably wouldn't have ever known.

but again.. maybe i'm missing something here.. i dont see what's clicking with you guys that just doesn't seem to be clicking with me.

 

[Bunny77]

wow.. what are you guys seeing that i'm not?! maybe it is my inexperience speaking but.. i dont see why you guys think he's cheating. i honestly don't think he is. he's with me all the time and if we're not together we're talking on AIM and if we're not on AIM or together it's cause i'm workiing, and in that case we're either on the phone or texting constantly. unless we're sleeping we're always in constant contact with each other.

i guess from the first post i can see where you guys are coming from. but like someone mentioned i shouldn't ...i dont take it too seriously b/c it was in the very beginning of our relationship. and a lot has changed since then. the girl he said that to was a friend of his and i met her awhile back at a party. while i do think she might be interested in him from the way she was acting i don't think he's cheating on me w. her.

maybe he is a liar tho.. that i can't argue too much with. i just don't have any solid proof that he's ever lied to me. the only time i kno of he's told me about and had he NOT told me i probably wouldn't have ever known.

but again.. maybe i'm missing something here.. i dont see what's clicking with you guys that just doesn't seem to be clicking with me.

Thanks for explaining the MySpace thing, btw.

Personally, I don't necessarily think that he's cheating, but I do think he shows signs of being a pathological liar... there's too much going on here that requires "explanation," especially so early in this relationship. And all involving other girls? Come on now...

While he may not be actually cheating on you, it sounds like he either enjoys flirting with other women and not completely shutting the door on other possibilities OR he just is a pathological liar, which would definitely create problems for you later on.

I think what we're seeing is a bunch of communication with other women and explanations that don't need to be taking place... and it all comes off as fishy.