Do pet peeves violations equal incompatibility?

[fmnnity]

apologies for the awkward title . . .

I suck at relationships. I am kind of mean, very impatient and have no tolerance for the typical crap that goes down in relationships. So imagine my surprise when I began to fall for a very nice fellow. I’ve known him for about 10 years. He’s decent looking, kind, sincere, has plenty of money, an outstanding artist , degreed a couple times over and for the most part we are good. He’s the nice guy; you know the one no one wants to be bothered with. There is a long list of positives to dating this man. What’s the issue? Enter the b!tch that I am (sigh).

He pushes my buttons where several pet peeves are concerned. For instance, I want to take that d@mned bluetooth earpiece out of his ear and shove it down his throat. I told him in a very nice way that it is both distracting and corny. Yes, I was very nice about it.

He also has this nervous laugh that he does at inopportune times. I mean it just comes out of nowhere. I really think I make him nervous. It’s like I’ll ask “how was your day?” He’ll say “pretty good” (insert laugh). It’s barely noticeable but it grates my nerves.

And the granddaddy of them all is the chewing with his mouth open. I mean smacking up a storm. He did it last night and I froze and shot him a stare that scared the daylights out of him. I didn’t say a word. I had to catch myself because I almost said something really mean. But I didn’t (yay me). I did have to throw away my meal because the sound was disgusting.

All of this got me to thinking . . . I wonder how others gauge compatibility. I realize that this will come off as petty to some and others will totally understand what I mean but what I really want to know is when do YOU know when pet peeves cross over into incompatibility? What are YOUR limits?

I know mine and at this moment, I’m not quite ready to throw the baby out with the bathwater. This may or may not change but that’s how I feel right now.

ETA I'm not asking if you feel if my situation is a compatibility issue. I am asking when do YOU know when pet peeves cross over into incompatibility? What are YOUR limits?

 

[MissYocairis]

I think this has less to do with compatibility and more to do with your own mindset. You describe yourself as a ***** who is very impatient with no tolerance for the typical crap that goes on in relationships.

That sounds to me like a sign for personal healing. We've all been disappointed in relationships in our lives. But, when you experience those things, you gotta do the inner healing in order to move on. Carrying around all that bitterness disserves YOU.

Now, I'm no advocate for chewing with your mouth open and smacking food....in fact, it's one of my pet peeves as well. That being said, could it be possible that your own impatience prevents you from being more enamoured with the good things in this man? Could your own intolerance be the reason that even his laugh annoys you? I mean, laughter is a beautiful sound! Joy! How is it that someone's joy bothers you? Maybe it's not necessarily a "nervous laugh" or maybe it is. What difference does it make? Could it be that he is nervous because he holds you in high esteem? Or, perhaps he can sense your tentative mood and he's worried about offending you?

If you aren't ready to throw this baby out with the bathwater, I'd suggest working on your own healing. It's not fair to him for you to count him out or tie him up waiting all because you are impatient and mean. He sounds like a great guy. I am sure there are plenty of ladies here who would take him off of your hands and find a very sweet way to coddle him into closing his mouth when he chews. Keep in mind, dear sis, no person is perfect and everyone comes with shortcomings that will annoy their mate. This doesn't mean the compatibility isn't there.

A friend is someone who knows all about you and loves you just the same. How will you show up for this friendship? How do you want to show up in relationships? These faults you have mentioned are small-time. There are plenty of men with a better laugh and who chew with their mouths closed who are also serial cheaters or abusive controlling types. Laughter and chewing shouldn't be the linchpin for whether there is compatibility between two people. Give the guy a break and give yourself a break.

Start figuring out why you are mean and impatient and haven't yet moved on as a whole person so that you CAN advance to having successful relationships. Wishing you all the best.

 

[fmnnity]

Hi Smuckie. Thanks for all of the great words and advice.

If you aren't ready to throw this baby out with the bathwater, I'd suggest working on your own healing. It's not fair to him for you to count him out or tie him up waiting all because you are impatient and mean. He sounds like a great guy. I am sure there are plenty of ladies here who would take him off of your hands and find a very sweet way to coddle him into closing his mouth when he chews. Keep in mind, dear sis, no person is perfect and everyone comes with shortcomings that will annoy their mate. This doesn't mean the compatibility isn't there.

This is precisely the reason that I feel the way that I do right now. There is no "healing" per se that needs to take place but rather gaining some maturity where dealing with relationships is concerned. It doesn't come naturally for me. But I was really looking for how others gauge compatibility. Is there a point at which one's pet peeves can actually signal that there is a compatibility issue or are they two separate issues?

 

[angenoir]

Thanks for starting this thread.

I understand what you mean and I would be interested in hearing people’s views.

I also get impatient sometimes with certain things about people and I wonder if its incompatibility or if I have some letting go to do.

 

[fmnnity]

Thanks for starting this thread.

I understand what you mean and I would be interested in hearing people’s views.

I also get impatient sometimes with certain things about people and I wonder if its incompatibility or if I have some letting go to do.

Angenoir, I think everyone has pet peeves. I don't believe that there is always some HUGE issue underlying those feelings. Some things simply irritate you . . . bottom line. But I'm guessing one has to ask if those issues get in the way of them enjoying their partner, friends and or family.

Let's see if others will answer up.

 

[MissYocairis]

Hi Smuckie. Thanks for all of the great words and advice.



This is precisely the reason that I feel the way that I do right now. There is no "healing" per se that needs to take place but rather gaining some maturity where dealing with relationships is concerned. It doesn't come naturally for me. But I was really looking for how others gauge compatibility. Is there a point at which one's pet peeves can actually signal that there is a compatibility issue or are they two separate issues?

I believe they are two separate issues. I view pet peeves as little annoyances. If a man were disrespectful or broke lol I wouldn't consider that a pet peeve of mine...that would be a clear incompatibility issue.

So, pet peeves, while they annoy, I don't believe they necessarily make or break a couple's ability to be compatible unless there are just too many of them....if there were, say, seventeen of them....that could signal an incompatibility issue I suppose.

Also, pet peeves are so subjective and many times, why we hold them as pet peeves is worth exploring. In your push to grow in relationships, it may be worth asking that question...why does his laugh get on my nerves so much? If these pet peeves bother you deeply enough, then the compatibility won't be present. But, the key, IMO, is looking within to find how you want to experience yourself in the relationship....that way, no matter how he shows up, as long as it's not in a deal-breaking way, you are comfortable.

 

[anon123]

Have you ever dated someone who didn't have pet peeves that annoyed you a great deal?

 

[MissYocairis]

Angenoir, I think everyone has pet peeves. I don't believe that there is always some HUGE issue underlying those feelings. Some things simply irritate you . . . bottom line. But I'm guessing one has to ask if those issues get in the way of them enjoying their partner, friends and or family.

Let's see if others will answer up.

I know you are looking for other responses but I just wanted to add that every couple experiences pet peeves about each other. And, they don't allow them to get in the way. My SO loves raw red onions. I cannot stand the smell of them. But, after b*tching and complaining about them, I had to come to terms with the fact that our relationship is wonderful and I look silly sitting there trying to insist that he not eat them around me. He also clears his teeth for a LONG time after he eats...if you hate smacking....you'll LOVE that. But, that's my baby and I had to look at why I was allowing myself to get so irritated over what that man does with HIS own food.

So, I have been where you are and am still growing.

 

[fmnnity]

Have you ever dated someone who didn't have pet peeves that annoyed you a great deal?

Yes I have.

 

[fmnnity]

I know you are looking for other responses but I just wanted to add that every couple experiences pet peeves about each other. And, they don't allow them to get in the way. My SO loves raw red onions. I cannot stand the smell of them. But, after b*tching and complaining about them, I had to come to terms with the fact that our relationship is wonderful and I look silly sitting there trying to insist that he not eat them around me. He also clears his teeth for a LONG time after he eats...if you hate smacking....you'll LOVE that. But, that's my baby and I had to look at why I was allowing myself to get so irritated over what that man does with HIS own food.

So, I have been where you are and am still growing.

This would be a weight loss plan for me. I just can't take that sound from anyone. My girlfriends (all of them) down here in NC do that so when we go out to eat I try to order something small as to not waste my money. It might be a little more than a pet peeve I am totally disgusted by it.

Hopefully we are all still growing. The old me would have told him in an unkind way that he was too old to eat like a 4 year old. I was really proud for catching myself. But I have a looooong way to go. Like I said this thing doesn't come naturally to me.

 

[gabulldawg]

As a few others have said, I don't think that equals incompatibility. Everyone is always going to have something they do that bothers you. My SO does some things that make me want to and I'm sure that I do things that make him want to do the same thing.

There's no way that you will ever find a relationship where the person will do nothing to annoy you.

 

[Lindy]

There's no way that you will ever find a relationship where the person will do nothing to annoy you.

That is true. Sometimes we all have to work on being less critical of others. And I know this is hard to fathom, but chances are that YOU do things that annoy him, too!! (Though he may keep them to himself, maybe not wanting to hurt your feelings, or maybe even in fear of you lashing out at him...)

 

[fmnnity]

That is true. Sometimes we all have to work on being less critical of others. And I know this is hard to fathom, but chances are that YOU do things that annoy him, too!! (Though he may keep them to himself, maybe not wanting to hurt your feelings, or maybe even in fear of you lashing out at him...)

That's not hard to fathom at all. I'm sure there are some things.

 

[Dposh167]

i think what u decribed are just what they are pet peeves. I wouldnt care if the guy i am with had 15 peeves compared to 4. I'll take the smacking of food over the guy who thinks its okay to treat me bad or belittle me in public. Then that can tiptoe over to a an issue of our compatibility. And u never know. HE may have peeves about u that he keeps quiet. The one thing i love about the road to becoming a better person is the challenge. Use this as a testing ground to not be so bytchy as u described. Instead of rolling ur eyes, or going off at a pet peeve...simply bring it to his attention in a nice way that ur disturbed by his smacking, etc. Even if he doesnt stop, u may actually learn lessons on how to control ur bytchy side.

 

[BeautyPoint]

Everyone has pet peeves about others, but I think it really has to do with how much you are really feeling this person.

For me, when I was really feeling someone, I would have a few pet peeves about the person but I would look at them as being "cute nuisances" and it didn't affect how I felt about the person.

But if I wasn't feeling them initially...ole' boy, wouldn't stand a chance!

So you may want to ask yourself if you are REALLY feeling him.

 

[noodles]

I think that it depends on what type of thing the other person is doing.
If its more habitual things (leaving cabinets open/ trails of 'stuff'/not drying off feet stepping out of the shower) opposed to true 'personality' things (arrogant/looking down on less fortunate/ wasting money-food/any issue that's morally disturbing to you) then it is a separate pet peeve only issue.
When there are differences within the core of you and him it's an incompatibility.

 

[LisaLisa1908]

A very simple way to handle this situation?

Afford him the same courtesies you would want someone to afford you.

I can't answer for you how seriously "pet peeves" are. You have to make that determination for yourself. I think Smuckie hit it on the head when she said you might want to investigate why these "pet peeves" irritate you so much.

Why do you call yourself a "*****" anyway? Maybe that's somewhere to start as well.

 

[fmnnity]

A very simple way to handle this situation?

Afford him the same courtesies you would want someone to afford you.

I can't answer for you how seriously "pet peeves" are. You have to make that determination for yourself. I think Smuckie hit it on the head when she said you might want to investigate why these "pet peeves" irritate you so much.

Why do you call yourself a "*****" anyway? Maybe that's somewhere to start as well.

Thanks for responding but I really wasn't looking for a way to "handle" my situation. I merely used my situation, recognizing that I can be b!tchy, to emphasize that I understand that these are indeed pet peeves. But it got me to thinking or wondering how many women have just looked over at their husband or SO doing something so irritating that they just said I can't take it anymore. I was just wondering where the line is for others.