Discussing Race Relations/Militancy & IR dating

[lushcoils]

Those of you in IR relationships or date IR often, how do you handle race relations with your partner? Are you able to discuss it with him comfortably? Are their certain topics about race that you avoid? Why? Does he know?

What about African-American history, African history, Caribbean history...is your SO knowledgeable about these topics? Are you informed of his culture?

Can you discuss current race issues on the work place like "black tax", racism in the media, or everyday life with him? What about watching certain movies together like The Roots or talking about controversial books like the Isis Papers?

When you first start dating IR, do you discuss race in the beginning to make sure he's aware, or do you wait until it gets serious to find out his views/knowledge?

Do you think an IR relationship can be healthy without discussing race topics?

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From the online message boards I've visited, I've also noticed that a lot of militant men and women are in IR relationships. If you post things like "White people are evil/scums of the earth, etc" or "The man is out to get us" often, does your SO know about your feelings? Is he okay with it? Is it ok if he says "black people are so .. [insert something negative].." too?

Also, add any other topic about race that I may have forgot.

Thanks in advance. I ask because I'm open to dating IR, but I always wonder how I will handle discussing current and past race issues without being uncomfortable. I won't be happy if I have to ignore it and act like racism doesn't exist. It's important to me to be able to express my feelings about these topics in my relationship.

 

[Bunny77]

I think it depends on the non-black person. I was not going to bottle up any feelings I had about racism and race relations just because my partner was not black... but if we were diametrically opposed on some things, a good relationship wasn't going to happen. Also, if he dismissed what I had to say, we also would have problems.

My FH is actually pretty knowledgable about certain racial issues because he teaches at a large urban university with a decent-sized black population. Shoot, I think he's visited more HBCUs and black historical sites than I have. Because of his position, he also has been involved in initiatives to increase minority college enrollment.

That being said, I've taught him more about day-to-day life growing up and living as a black woman, and I'm also interested in blacks in the Diaspora. He said he's learned a lot from me about Caribbean history, African independence, etc. Watching the World Cup, I'm schooling him on why Brazil has a high black population, which countries were British colonies versus French or Spanish, etc.

All that being said, I might have my militant moments, but I'm also conservative too and can critique things in the black community that I find to be total BS. I'm not on some "The Man," tip, when we have done our fair share of self-destruction. And I've grown comfortable enough with him to say it, and not feel that it opens the door for him to talk junk about black people.


In the beginning of the dating stages, I don't discuss race to see where he stands. I think that black women go too hard early on with white men trying to see if he's "racist" or not. I just date him like he's a black man, and then if something race-related comes up because it's relevant to what we're talking about, then I say it in a nonchalant manner and see what happens. After all, most men barely get past the second date, so why would I try to find out where he stands on race on the first/second date if I don't even know if I'll see him after that? Too much unnecessary aggravation.

 

[Enyo]

Those of you in IR relationships or date IR often, how do you handle race relations with your partner? Are you able to discuss it with him comfortably?

Yes. Otherwise, we cannot date.

Are their certain topics about race that you avoid?

NO. Otherwise we cannot date. I have to be real.

What about African-American history, African history, Caribbean history...is your SO knowledgeable about these topics? Are you informed of his culture?

White American culture is pretty easy. Never actually learned anything new other than Nebraska is a little crazier than I thought. When I date Europeans, we tend to learn small things about each, but nothing major. The trick is both people must be open to new cultural things. White guys I date are generally older and most have dated a Black woman before. So they are trained on things like hair (i.e. they don't ask why I'm wearing a scarf to bed) and generally culture.

Can you discuss current race issues on the work place like "black tax", racism in the media, or everyday life with him? What about watching certain movies together like The Roots or talking about controversial books like the Isis Papers?

The Roots are a band, but I know what you mean. And yes, I can watch those things or talk about them. But I generally don't date American WASPS, so that makes things easier. Jews, Europeans, and non-WASPs tend not to have as much or any White Guilt. Besides, when I look at the slave traders, I don't see my Swedish or Norwegian-American BF. I see the same color, but that's it.

When you first start dating IR, do you discuss race in the beginning to make sure he's aware, or do you wait until it gets serious to find out his views/knowledge?

I let everything flow. I don't believe in grilling people upfront. If you are intuitive enough, you will know soon enough if it's going to work out.

Do you think an IR relationship can be healthy without discussing race topics?

I have never not discussed race with all the Blacks I have dated, so I don't see why Whites/others would be any different.

For me, it's just about culture. I am much more worried about culture, not race. For instance, I just cannot deal with Middle Eastern men. Many of them, especially the more educated ones are polite and respectful, but overall their culture does not gel with my personality or beliefs. There are many Blacks from the Middle East, but I just can't deal with them. It's just not about race.

I love dating liberal European men. We just click. I deal with a lot of Swedes, Danes, Norwegians, Dutch, and Germans. They are not worried about the atheists thing, are liberal without being radical, support my desire to never have children, surprisingly open to Black women, open to learning about Black culture, and are pleased when I am open to their culture as well. I also do well with men from the Midwest that are descendants of Swedes and Norwegians. I hate to say that I target men from these groups, but I do. But only because my experiences have been so good.

 

[Glib Gurl]

My SO is pretty clueless about racial issues (although he acknowledges racism, he doesn't understand it). However, because he is so intelligent, he is willing to listen to me and accept what I tell him about race issues. I'm not going to try and "educate" him, though . . . that's too tiring. He will learn what real racism is when we have our cocoa-vanilla swirl babies *shrug*

 

[Blyss_curls]

From the online message boards I've visited, I've also noticed that a lot of militant men and women are in IR relationships. If you post things like "White people are evil/scums of the earth, etc" or "The man is out to get us" often,...

Some of the militants you've witnessed in ir relationships, may be that way because someone rejected them, based on their choice of spouse (and specifically marrying outside the race). They were probably accused of 'racial disloyalty,' of not wanting to be black or of self-hatred.



I had an acquaintance like this, who i frequently gave the side-eye (for being militant). Eventually, as I learned more about her background and experience w/friends (re:her relationship) I felt sorry for her.


Apparently she lost a lot of people she cared about, when she chose to marry her husband. Before walking away, they questioned her 'black-ness', and said other nasty things to her (like I list above).

Iinstead of chalking it up as their personal issue, she seemed to become rather insecure over it and started to question herself. By the time I encountered her she was uber-black (lol) ...I thought she was part of the Nation of Islam or something.

...if she encountered other black people (whether she knew them or not) it was ,"...hey, hey black brotha, hey, hey--my sistah!" and going off on rants like, "cracker *ss, crackers, make me sick!" ...completely unprovoked, she'd go off on monologues about, "how great it is to be black." seriously. I'm not kidding.



Sometimes I wonder if we (those who enter ir relationships and marriages) don't take more flack from our own, than we do any other groups of people.

 

[Seraphina]

I have white friends that I cannot discuss these things with and while it can be frustrating sometimes, I'm able to let it go. I cannot go there with my relationships, though. And so far, with one exception and we're not together anymore, it has not been a problem. In fact, I've had SOs who are far more sensitive to racial issues than I am.

Frankly, I would find it unlikely for a reasonable, rational white person who is dating a black person to not pick up on things that they have never been exposed to before. And because they have never been exposed to it before, they can be more offended by things because of their own ignorance of how things work.