Dating...on different pages

[zzirvingj]

I once dated a guy who wanted to be exclusive wayyyy too soon. I told him I wanted to continue dating and he reluctantly agreed to it. But within a matter of weeks he couldn't take it and was g-o-n-e.

I wish he would have given it more time (it had only been a month!!!) but it's best if he was that rushed to move on at that particular time.

What happens if you are dating someone and you emotionally progress quicker than they do? If you develop feelings and want a commitment but they are not there yet? Let's say, six months into dating you are ready to be exclusive and they are not? What do you do in such a situation? Have you been in such a situation before, or has someone you dated wanted more from you than you could give? How did you handle it?

 

[Taleah2009]

man.. kind og going through this situation myself right now... i met a guy, dated about a month, he was ready to be exclusive at like day 1, i wasnt ready. at like week 3 he brought up the "are we exclusive" convo, i asked him to table the convo until i got off work. never brought it back.. i brought it back up over a week later, and he said he wasnt ready now (stubborn)... im like ok cool
fast forward a month he finds out i am dating others and he has melt down...sooo... idk what i would..
if after 6 months, i have feelings and he not ready to become exclusive, i think i would have to peace out.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

It's funny cuz the stereotype is the woman is begging for exclusivity and the guy wants to see others, but both of you ladies have had the opposite. I wonder how often that happens.

When a guy wants to get exclusive very quickly it can be a really bad sign that he is controlling or otherwise on some BS, so I can see why a woman would be reluctant to agree to it too soon.

 

[LovelyNaps26]

As an aside, I kind of think it's a plus when a man is about it and says he's serious from the jump. Too MANY wishy washy guys around for me to complain about that. Of course, I wouldn't go out with a guy I didn't like just because of that. When such a man meets the woman he's compatible with, at least she'll know she'll be rocking a ring within a year. I've seen this happen more than once.

To the OP: I don't think one should jump into something if they're not ready for it. If the guy is interested in YOU and not just having someone on his arm he'll be patient and stick around. Now, six months is a bit long to me for someone to be iffy about exclusivity. I couldn't imagine going out with someone for six months and still introducing him as "my friend". If someone is cool with that then, aight. Otherwise, time is a tickin' and a wastin'.

 

[ebonylocs]

I have nothing of value to add to this thread, but I will say that Americans seem to have very complicated dating habits and rules - x number of dates to first kiss, x number to exclusivity, x number to the engagement, etc. Where I come from, if I go out with a guy three or four times and I like him enough, we're exclusive. If I don't, then we're nothing - I don't see him again. There's kind of no middle ground. I couldn't see myself going out with a guy three to six months, not liking him enough to be exclusive, yet still wanting to spend time with him. Unless I was just looking for a companion to go out with, do things with. Maybe I feel that way because I'm not exactly swimming in a wide choice of compatible men. Almost every man is incompatible, so if by chance once in a blue moon I meet a man that I actually mesh with, I have no objection to being taken off the market. Bear in mind that meeting such a man has happened only about 3 times in 15 years of dating.

And re guy's timetable - IME guys are always quick of the trigger. Want to lock you down from the third date, fall in love, etc. In my personal experience (also looking at the relationships of those close to me)women are more measured about these things.

 

[zzirvingj]

man.. kind og going through this situation myself right now... i met a guy, dated about a month, he was ready to be exclusive at like day 1, i wasnt ready. at like week 3 he brought up the "are we exclusive" convo, i asked him to table the convo until i got off work. never brought it back.. i brought it back up over a week later, and he said he wasnt ready now (stubborn)... im like ok cool
fast forward a month he finds out i am dating others and he has melt down...sooo... idk what i would..
if after 6 months, i have feelings and he not ready to become exclusive, i think i would have to peace out.

Did he not know you weren't dating other people in the beginning? Why was he ready to commit and then a week later he tried to take it back, it seems like?

 

[zzirvingj]

It's funny cuz the stereotype is the woman is begging for exclusivity and the guy wants to see others, but both of you ladies have had the opposite. I wonder how often that happens.

When a guy wants to get exclusive very quickly it can be a really bad sign that he is controlling or otherwise on some BS, so I can see why a woman would be reluctant to agree to it too soon.

I agree with the bolded. And I also agree with the other poster who gave props to when a man knows what he wants.

**In all honesty, in my situation, I think I knew in the back of my mind at the time that he wasn't someone I wanted to be exclusive with....and that that was 'unlikely' to change. However, I believed that I should give it a little more time to get to know him more/better. Interestingly enough, he actually said to me that I knew enough about how I felt about him at that point whether to be exclusive or not, and if I couldn't then, it wasn't likely to change after that. So he bounced.

I definitely don't think it's a good thing if two people aren't moving at the "same pace"...so to speak. To the point where, I wanted to know if anyone has been in a situation where you weren't really moving along at the same rate (someone wanted exclusivity way before the other)...but yet you ended up being in a relationship with that person at some point?

If so, did it involve one person waiting it out for the other person to 'come around', so to speak?

 

[zzirvingj]

Almost every man is incompatible, so if by chance once in a blue moon I meet a man that I actually mesh with, I have no objection to being taken off the market.

I can relate to this part.

 

[hopeful]

Six months is enough time to know if you want to be exclusive or not. If I was ready and he wasn't, I would move on.

 

[Taleah2009]

Did he not know you weren't dating other people in the beginning? Why was he ready to commit and then a week later he tried to take it back, it seems like?

In the beginning I told him i had a "friend". After about a week, he told me that he told other females to stop calling him. he is a very stubborn person. so when someone doesnt move on his time, he rebels. so he rebelled. when i brought it back up a week later, he said he was ready for but now he wasnt so sure. i was upset up but got over it. and after the convo, i just started to do me, not try to think if he was out with other people, and to to continue to date others.
its very wierd.. i think this the first time where i had to have the "exclusive" convo.. any other time, i dont think i ever have that convo, and my feelings end up getting hurt. so in order to protect my feelings i stopped putting all my eggs in him and started to date others. idk.. very wierd situation