changing hair desires as we age and experience?

[meia]

i was just thinking to myself that at one time long waistlength straight hair was my desired goal since as far back as i can remember. more recently as i've experienced changing situations in my life and, most importantly, having stunning realizations about myself and who i really am as a 20 year old woman have molded me now.

the more i think about waistlength straight hair the farther i want to get away from it. i dont see anything appealing about that goal to me anymore because that would make me do some rather unhealthy things to my hair, scalp, and would force me to embrace some ideal standard of beauty that isnt realistic to me.

more recently ive been thinking and consciously seeking curly hair at almost waistlength. ive just been through particularly traumatic events and i've decided that i want to do a perm to get the relaxed hair (maybe 4 different perms at different times) curly again. i feel myself changing now inside and out and i was wondering if anyone here is finding that as they age- as they experience things mentally and physically, are their ideas of beauty when it comes to hair changing as well? what accounts for their personal change? who and why are they really attempting to seek these hairstyles that arent "naturally" them (i dont mean natural like bc natural i mean natural in terms of what would look good on them)?

lol just thought it would be nice to put a thoughtful thread on here!
<3
meia

 

[patient1]

Hi Meia:

It's nice of you to share your private musings with us. Briefly. . .

When I was your age my experience was similar. I started college with thick relaxed hair that was a bit past shoulder length. Coming into my own spiritually, politically, etc. I cut it all off and rocked short natural hair, growing it out, cutting it, etc. I wanted to get as far from the European standard of beauty as I could and just be a simple, unrefined me. That was when I was 19. Now I'm 33.

I'm growing my hair out now because I want to experience an unrestrained beauty ideal other than the one I've embraced for so long. I've worn a Kojak through a big natural, but I've never just let my natural hair grow unchecked. So that's what I'm trying to do now.

For women, what's going on inside can often be reflected on the outside. The goals of our teens morph into those of our twenties and change yet again with every decade. Our exterior can reflect those changing goals. I had so many hard fast rules for myself when I was in my early twenties. I had something to prove to the world and the easiest route was the outside. I wanted so bad not to conform. . .to anything. In a weird sort of way, the outside standards still defined me. I was forming a self AGAINST the standards but not forming an authentic self.

It's late. I'm sitting under a bonnet dryer, typing, while nursing my daughter. I've got a slight tummy ache (no more of Thursday's leftovers!!!) Forming clear thoughts is a bit challenging right now.

I'll visit again later.

P1

 

[dlewis]

As a teen I had beautiful long hair that my parents were very proud of. When I was in college every time I came home my hair was a little bit shorter. Everyone commented on why would I cut such beautiful hair. At the time I thought it was easier to manage. When I finished college and found a job I cut all my hair off, I mean to 1/2". It was cute and very easy. I kept it short for 8 years. Now, looking back I believe cutting my hair was a way of showing my independance.

When I turn 32 in wanted that hair I had when I was a teen but was hair texture has changed over the years and it not as easy and fast to grow my hair. I don't know how long I want to grow my hair, bra strap is my present goal, but I might grow to my knees. Now it's about me and what I feel comfortable with and what I feel adds to my beauty.

I have said I would never dye my hair because I love the color of my hair. Recently I use a rinse on my hair and my hair shedded so badly. Yesturday I was styling my hair and parted it on a different side and there was so much grey. The more grey I see the more I think about dying my hair. The older I get my hair desires change just like my desires about life change as well.

 

[beyondcute]

Well well well, first Id have to say please dont curly perm your hair. 2 chemical porcesses would most likely make you bald or end up with damaged hair. NOW onto my changing views. Yes my views changed when I was in high school. Long straight hair was prized in my school and I had it. I wanted to go to graduation with a bald head, but my mom found out and put an end to that (I was not 18 yet). Now that Im in college and a bbit older I say forget the relaxers. My hair is fine the way it is. I dont need to change the texture to be a prized woman. *Even though my boyfriend to soooo against my tansition and my impending BC* I just wanna be me and I think the relaxer is changing me. I dont want any part of it anymore (well for the most part until I see people like Wanakee ).

 

[meia]

Patient1- awww its no problem! i thought this thread could be a very interesting one indeed if everyone was able to share a bit about themselves and reflect upon their own personal journeys...im definitely transitioning in my life and its effecting everything i do/desire to do you know? its funny because my boyfriend likes long straight hair and im the only one hes ever dated that wears my real hair without any weave or anything. im almost waistlength straight (4 inches or so away- 5 to 6 in some other shorter spots if i want it even...

im starting not to care about what he wants because more of me is realizing that since he loves me, he'll accept me anyway regardless of straight or curly. i also think now at this phase in my life, i'll be more visually appealing to myself- which is more important...id love to just go entirely natural...this last time i relaxed was the first time my hair didnt revert back to its old pattern and texture (even the relaxed parts) so i think this was truly it for my curly hair..i look at this straight mess of hair on my head and it makes me so mad. i have splits everywhere, uneven coloring and no volume whatsoever no matter what i try..its infuriating and now that i reflect, totally not worth it..

i think im going to use this topic for a psychology paper im doing. im so interested by this because i feel myself aging- its profound in a way. ive started to do things like stop buying products filled with sulfates, ive started to wear clothing im satisfied with, i started to really find happiness and most everything i did...

"For women, what's going on inside can often be reflected on the outside. The goals of our teens morph into those of our twenties and change yet again with every decade. Our exterior can reflect those changing goals." truly beautiful way of phrasing things!! i couldnt be more happier with everything right now. just learning the true meaning of life in whatever context it relates to me...i wish more people would just sit there and ponder these changes- really think about them. they would notice these things themselves!

i used to have these rules for myself also- i wanted to have certain things by certain years- first real job by 21-- babies by 24---all these goals. lol not that i still dont want them but im not defined by these deadlines anymore. im truly free in the most vast way the word can be stretched.

lol for some reason i see me in a few years being just like you..hehehehe isnt that something? im so glad you replied here. i was pretty sure that most ladies (because it wasnt about hair products or flat irons or something like that) wouldnt read this but youre response makes me feel good on so many levels.

thank you so much patient!
<3meia

Dlewis- i can definitely understand wanting to show and embrace your new found independence, especially after so many important goals being covered in your life! same with me wanting to embrace my curly hair and how it makes me look. im sick of trying to be whatever anyone else wants me to be. i want to be beautiful. i want to be me. nothing more or less.

whats most important is that youve realized that this growth is about you..
about being beautiful to yourself and thats all that really matters with so many processes and problems and confusion that goes on today...having self-identity is most important..

let me tell you a short story d...my grandmother used to dye her hair black all the time- im guessing to escape age or something of the sort, and my momma always tried to convince her to leave it gray and she never listened until one day- she finally never dyed again and girl dont you know my grandmother had the most beautiful shade of silver gray hair? everybody complimented her and often times would say i wish i could just let my natural hair grow and not color anymore...now my mom in her older age is leaving her natural hair color and everyone thinks its beautiful and fits her so nicely..

moral of the story? embrace the grey..its not a sign of aging, no, its a sign of wisdom of truly natural beauty and it frees you from the need to dye with chemicals...i think youll probably have some of the most beautiful grey hair ever! i think when i get to be a bit older and i get grey hair i wont dye either..to show that ive come that many years in age, experience, and wisdom seems so beautiful to me that i wouldnt want to damage that or change it any way..

nothing beats embracing your beauty as you age- it shows the world how truly fearless you are!



Beyond cute-yeaaa i was kinda debating about curly perming it..i just miss my old texture and right now certainly dont have the strength or confidence to go natural...i want to grow some more hair before i do that! hehehe..
ive done id say about 8 relaxers my whole life (maybe less) and i hate the texture..im grasping at straws to be what i used to be so im willing to try anything..certainly somethin i'll have to debate in my mind..

im in college too and right now im really not about relaxers myself...ive seen beautiful heads of straight hair and curly hair alike and ive decided that now, more than ever, i need to sort out my own identity. what mark i want to leave on the world and what name i want to make for myself. i want to be someone who is "naturally" beautiful- ayyy i know the hair..lol not natural now from relaxers but if i truly do decided to perm, itll be the last treatment i'll ever do on my hair. i realized before that i want to have long almost waistlength hair when i have kids because i want them to play with it and get their tiny hands caught in it hehehe..it was more recently i wanted that hair to be CURLY hair because i feel so much more at peace with myself when im naturally who i am.

i think that texture we do have is exactly what makes us prized women. we are revered for our hair texture that defies heights, gravity even and now im proud to say im going to attempt to idealize that in my own life now that im 20 and im gearing up for later..hes probably against it because he sees on tv and sees on the streets girls who choose to capture that straight hair ideal..
even if it means chemically breaking the hair off or wearing yards of weave to attain the length..i think as he sees you doing more of what you want with your hair he'll be more understanding..

heres how i think of things, for black women, our hair is not just hair. its a soulful spiritual experience that captivates our lives- more than just something to dye and fry to death..something that marks growth, individuality, and independence..as he notices the physical changes they are sure to bring beautiful and vital mental and emotional changes- all that will shape you as a person and eventually make you free. i think he'll truly realize one day how happy you truly are and he wont be able to be anything but excited for you and love you more for who you have become.

thank all of you wondeful ladies for replying!
meia

 

[Healthb4Length]

I understand what you are going through and I too want to change some of my hair goals. I want to switch to more natural products and eventually go natural, but I know this will be a slow and hard process but I believe I'm ready for the journey. As with your hair texture, I do not reccommend you get a curly perm while your hair is still relaxed, that will equal major damage! Maybe you can grow out your hair, cut off the relaxed ends and get a curly perm to the NG only. Good luck.

 

[patient1]

Hi Meia,

I'd say that it's not so much that you're growing older (even though we do that everyday) but that you're growing wiser and more deeply into your Self. I might add that you are doing it a bit early as well. Could be due to your area of concentration in your studies.

They say that when a woman enters her forties, she goes through a spiritual transformation and garners, as her prize, a deep acceptance of her total Self. With each additional year, she cares less and less about what the world (outsiders) think of her and answers to her own internal world. I look forward to that time when I know that sort of peace.

When I encounter younger women like yourself (in their 20's. . .even a few teens) it makes me believe that womanhood as a whole is making a shift. So even though the predominant view of young women is attached to what you see in videos etc, there is another uprising of women who are balances of beauty and intellect and spirituality.

We'll see,

P1

 

[meia]

Hi Meia,

I'd say that it's not so much that you're growing older (even though we do that everyday) but that you're growing wiser and more deeply into your Self. I might add that you are doing it a bit early as well. Could be due to your area of concentration in your studies.

They say that when a woman enters her forties, she goes through a spiritual transformation and garners, as her prize, a deep acceptance of her total Self. With each additional year, she cares less and less about what the world (outsiders) think of her and answers to her own internal world. I look forward to that time when I know that sort of peace.

When I encounter younger women like yourself (in their 20's. . .even a few teens) it makes me believe that womanhood as a whole is making a shift. So even though the predominant view of young women is attached to what you see in videos etc, there is another uprising of women who are balances of beauty and intellect and spirituality.

We'll see,

P1

i think im doing it so early because for a majority of my life i wasnt happy with anything. i was so sad and depressed for so long that i couldnt (id say it started around 95'- i think i was 10 then) really understand, decipher, or truly function around it....recently i've experienced things ive never experienced before and its caused some pretty intense results within my life..i never had an acceptance of self, ever...i think im starting to become self-actualized and thats probably explaining the changes (anyone ever heard of mazlow's hierarchy of needs?-- the top part of the pyramid) except the self actualization isnt coming from being accept by my peers and all that other junk-- i think its coming from having that little happy spot in that world that ive never found..

ive never been one for being accepted by anyone else and their standards..i wasnt all that popular in high school and, it hurt sometimes, but i was fine with it..i get to college and at first i wanted to change myself and have this popular existence etc., etc., then i saw that i never wanted it because it wasnt something i could really get used to...so i rejected and went back in my shell. when i met my boyfriend, he was the first man i've ever met that related to me so well..i instantly found my best friend and my greatest (and only!) lover..i no longer did anything to try to be accepted..i started to act for him and myself and no one else..

"They say that when a woman enters her forties, she goes through a spiritual transformation and garners, as her prize, a deep acceptance of her total Self. With each additional year, she cares less and less about what the world (outsiders) think of her and answers to her own internal world. I look forward to that time when I know that sort of peace..." i definitely think you could be right..sadly enough, some people never reach that place until shes very old or veering slightly on the line of being "socially" unappealing looks-wise (i dont believe you can look socially unappealing if you are just being who you are lol)..

I definitely think women are shifting physically and mentally...probably because they are being exposed to more things at earlier ages than others...
a lot of what i used to think was beautiful were video girls and all of that because they were what was "socially" accepted- they were how you were "supposed" to look if you were younger...and it wasnt even long ago that someone would tell me that or point that kind of ish out...my tastes in clothing are different ont he whole- labels dont appeal to me and i find my boyfriend in the same predicament. he used to dress in the rocawears, and akademiks and all that..now that he's met me and i've told him that i want him to be his true self around me, he's stopped wearing that..he now wears whats comfortable for him..he dresses in ish that wouldnt be accepted by young men his age and thats why i like him. he stands out and around me he's comfortable enough to be himself..

beauty, intellect, and spirituality are things i think are gifts because some people never truly reach that level in their lives to have all three. i think i do have some work to do before i can really say im at that level..but now i feel i have the foundation to get me there and thats whats definitely important..

 

[meia]

*bumping for replies! *

 

[mscounselor]

I am so glad that you started this post meia. I too have reconsidered my hair goals. When I was in hs, it was about how many different styles could I achieve without it falling in the morning. I had a new hair cut every year. When I got to undergrad, it was how little could I do to it while keeping it clean. When I got to grad school, health was a big deal. The "right" products and the hair oils to manage my scalp condition. Now that I am getting ready to graduate and have been through different experiences, I wonder what I really want for my hair. I know it can grow to be any length it can be. I know I want to embrace my waves, but I don't want to go through the whole transitioning experience without support from my family and friends. I also know that changing my hair wont help me accept me from the inside out. So currently my goal is just to keep my hair healthy. Hopefully, I'll figure out it before I have children.

 

[Cheleigh]

I think it's absolutely true that desires change as we age (or hopefully grow) and experience new challenges and joys.

I've always been ambivalent about my hair--I just wanted my hair to not have a lot of breakage--didn't care much about length other than I always wanted it long enough to be able to put into a ponytail.

I do think though, that in my teens and twenties I used my hair as a security blanket--I knew it was always there to differentiate me from some of other skinny dark skinned girls.

Over the last few years I realized that while I like having longish length hair, it no longer defines me. Once I'd decided that, I could separate my persona from my hair--better defined the sort of woman I wanted to be and to be seen as.

Part and parcel of that definition was that (for me) chemically processing my hair was no longer an outward manifestation of who I was inside. I realized that I look better with texture around my face--my hair fits me better now.

I don't negate the girl with the relaxed hair--she is me, and I am her. I simply learned to embrace another side of me--a side that is a better fit for the next stage of my life.