Ask A Guy: Why Do I Attract The Guys I Don’t Like And Not The Ones I Do?

[Crystalicequeen123]

Hey ladies!

If any of you have ever felt this way (ie. "the guys I like never like me, and the guys I don't always do!") or have been in this situation (as I have been SO many times before lol), I thought this article was pretty good, and I thought it was really interesting to hear a man's take on this phenomenon and why it probably happens.

Very interesting read.

Ask A Guy: Why Do I Attract the Guys I Don’t Like and Not the Ones I Do?

QUESTION FROM READER:
Meeting guys and having guys interested in me is not a problem. I don’t want to sound arrogant, but I’m in good shape and everyone tells me how pretty I am so I don’t doubt my physical attractiveness.

Here’s the thing: There is a guy I see a lot (he’s a friend of a friend) and I’ve developed a crush on him. I was trying to find out if he was into me and a friend of mine quoted him saying that I was a “cool girl, but not his type”.

I really like this guy – I want to understand why he doesn’t like me and if there’s anything I can do to get him to like me and see me as a romantic interest.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



OK, before I even begin talking about why a guy might like you or not like you, just remember that you really don’t KNOW what he said or how he really feels. All you know is something a friend told you he said.

But here’s a common problem I hear from women and men about their dating lives: They can get the ones they don’t want to fall head-over-heels in love with them, but when they find someone they want, they fail miserably.

And it sounds like that’s what you’re describing.

It really doesn’t matter how good you are with getting people who you don’t want to lust for and adore you… You don’t want them, so they really aren’t options anyway.

The real issue here is what is the problem that “wanting” is causing?

In other words: If you can have the ones you don’t want wrapped around your finger as love slaves, then something about you “wanting” someone is what’s causing the real problem here.

Let’s examine what those common problems are:

He’s out of my league / I’m not good enough for him–

Mindset is everything in dating. When you BELIEVE and ASSUME that you are irresistibly attractive and that a man (or any man) wants you hardcore, it often comes about.Thing is, sometimes women make “identities” out of their problems – what starts out as a quirky, lighthearted complaint keeps getting repeated until it suddenly becomes their reality and they believe that this is out of their control.

Your beliefs and your dating/relationship reality are completely under your control. But you need to step up and stop programming your mind with garbage. If you’ve been falling into the trap of telling the only-the-ones-I-don’t-want-want-me sob story, STOP IT and never do it again.Instead, start “brainwashing yourself” into this belief: The ones I want the most will find me irresistible and they want me, hard. Now, you may say, “Eric, even if I repeated that to myself a thousand times it would still not believe it.”

Why not? Think about it. There are tons of women… even women who are married… who have never experienced having men obsessed with them, chasing them, idolizing them… you have. You have experience being a type of girl that the vast majority of other women don’t have.

So if you just stop telling that sob story to yourself and act and BELIEVE around those that you want using the same vibe as the ones you didn’t want, then you’ll get the same result. And the more in-demand a guy is, the more he’s craving to meet a girl who actually feels like a worthy partner to him.

You’re only not good enough when YOU decide that you aren’t good enough.


I lose interest once guys become interested in me.

People can be funny animals at times.I’ve known girls that would obsess over guys – chasing, checking their texts, etc… until he started liking them back or showing signs of commitment.These girls loved the chase. They loved the notch on the belt. But most importantly, they loved the reassurance to their ego – having their “prize” like them back validated them as being good enough in the world.

I’m not here to judge, but if that’s your mindset, then I think you’re best course of action is to really examine yourself and see if you have an issue becoming vulnerable to people or opening up. In these types of cases, a fear of becoming vulnerable or sharing a real connection / bond is terrifying to these women (or men) and once that psychological hole is repaired, then the potential for a relationship becomes possible.



He seemed interested, but then lost interest. Now I’m hooked on him and he’s withdrawing.

OK, when he was interested, you were living and enjoying your life.Oftentimes when this happens, a woman goes from living a full, well-balanced life to putting all her eggs in one basket: the relationship. Instead of going out with friends, she hangs out with the boyfriend. Instead of exercising at the gym, she eats Ben & Jerry’s and watches movies with the boyfriend. Instead of doing the hobbies and interests she loves, she spends time with the boyfriend. And at first it’s magical and fun… the reason is that both the guy and the girl are “full” – full of love of themselves, full of love of their life, full of a great mood and outlook.But then they start swapping out all the things that “filled them up” in their life and they replace with spending more and more time with each other. They make the error of thinking that the relationship is filling them up, when in fact, their great relationship is a bi-product of them leading a full life and loving themselves

So in the case of what you’re talking about, most women don’t realize this and they make the tremendous mistake of trying to “repair the relationship”. The relationship is not the problem – it is always a bi-product of your life.

To improve your relationship, improve your life and your love for yourself. If a relationship “makes you” crazy, neurotic and paranoid, it is inevitable that the relationship will fall apart (and it will fall apart even quicker if you act on your crazy, neurotic, paranoid state of mind and blame him for it…)

Fill your life with activities you love, people you love, etc. Fill your mind with love for yourself – the woman who wants love from the world but cannot bring it about in herself will be forever thirsty for love… Love always starts within you and flows outward.




Plain and simple, he doesn’t like me. He’s not attracted to me.

First, let’s be clear on “liking” and “attraction”.I remember one girl that I hated at first, but found really attractive. We eventually hooked up and it was actually pretty awesome… but that’s beside the point.The important thing is not to confuse “liking you as a person” and “feeling attraction for you”. Two separate things. I’ve had women I’ve loved as people but couldn’t force an ounce of attraction for them if I tried. And I’ve felt tons of attraction to some women who I loathed as people. Nature is funny, I guess.

To be clear though, I like the vast majority of women that I’m attracted to. I’m not trying to say that being “hate-able” is a strategy for getting guys attracted. It’s not.

I am saying that provoking emotions, positive or negative, is usually a sign that attraction potential is there.

Moving on to my other point…

This is similar to what I was saying at the first part – when you ASSUME he wants you, you are far more likely to have him end up wanting you. Why? Because when you think you’re hot, you come across as confident.

Most people (and their thoughts) are not well-formed, concrete decisions. They’re kind of gray, on-the-fence, neutral thoughts unless spiked with emotion or inspiration from the outside.

So when a person believes strong enough that they are hot and irresistible, the minds of others subconsciously pick that up and just roll with it (unless given a massive reason not to).

From a psychological standpoint, it’s fascinating. Even when you’re not a guy’s type, if you believe he wants you hard enough, oftentimes you’ll tip the scale and his mind will make an exception for you.

I learned this trick from an ex-girlfriend actually. I never told her this, but I was never into fair-skinned girls with freckles – just not my type. But I was really into her – I thought she was hot, sexy and irresistible. Man, she had me chasing her… she definitely played me for a fool.

And the power behind how she got me so wrapped-up on her was on this powerful assumption. There was a night where she casually told me, “Oh yeah, when me and my friend go to the bar, we act like we own the place. I don’t care what people think, I don’t care who they are – when I am there, I am the celebrity, I get what I want and everyone wants me.”

And she was right – she was actually a fairly shy girl, but when she stepped into a party or bar, she always owned and commanded the room.

If you can master what I’m explaining here, you’ll have that power too. Even if you’re “not his type.

So there you have it – why he doesn’t like you and what to do to turn the scales in your favor.

Hope that helps,

eric charles



SOURCE




Your thoughts???

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

If you’ve been falling into the trap of telling the only-the-ones-I-don’t-want-want-me sob story, STOP IT and never do it again.Instead, start “brainwashing yourself” into this belief: The ones I want the most will find me irresistible and they want me, hard. Now, you may say, “Eric, even if I repeated that to myself a thousand times it would still not believe it.”

From a psychological standpoint, it’s fascinating. Even when you’re not a guy’s type, if you believe he wants you hard enough, oftentimes you’ll tip the scale and his mind will make an exception for you.

I learned this trick from an ex-girlfriend actually. I never told her this, but I was never into fair-skinned girls with freckles – just not my type. But I was really into her – I thought she was hot, sexy and irresistible. Man, she had me chasing her… she definitely played me for a fool.

And the power behind how she got me so wrapped-up on her was on this powerful assumption. There was a night where she casually told me, “Oh yeah, when me and my friend go to the bar, we act like we own the place. I don’t care what people think, I don’t care who they are – when I am there, I am the celebrity, I get what I want and everyone wants me.”

And she was right – she was actually a fairly shy girl, but when she stepped into a party or bar, she always owned and commanded the room.

I'm actually going to do a little experiment this weekend and try this little technique out lol

One of my friends is taking me to a party that she was invited to, so I know there will probably be some new guys that I dont' know there. I'm going to walk in like I own the place and like I'm the ish and see what happens lol.

Who knows...it might actually be fun I'll see if I notice a "difference" in how I come across, or how the guys (or just people in general) view me. I think I may try it out for a week (just in case a day could be deemed as "a fluke"), and see what happens.

I may post my results/findings here from my little experiment lol.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

All them words and he didn't answer her question.

Men know what category they want to put you in. If wanted to get with her he would have been asked his friend what was up and make his move. Whatever the reason, if you trust the emissary then believe what he said and get over the fantasy you built up in your head. Doesn't matter why. If you push up and he sees you're clearly pressed you'll end up in the placeholder role. While you're busy trying to prove how good you could be together he'll be chilling biding his time until the ONE he has to have comes around. When she does, she'll get in 3 months what you couldn't in 3 years. And you'll have no one but yourself to blame.

 

[hopeful]

What's wrong with all of the guys that do like you?

 

[Godsdaughter001]

Overall, I don't really like his POV.

However, one thing he said was true. Confidence. It can take you so, so far. Not just in relationships but in jobs, etc. It is so attractive. Look at the ugliest guy, who can get the prettiest woman. Why? Confidence. For a woman, it works the same way, but you also have to make sure you are on your A game. If so, you will exude confidence that will attract plenty of men. It always works

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

What's wrong with all of the guys that do like you?

I don't think she was saying that there was anything wrong with the guys that like her, but more so was wondering why she can never seem to attract the ones she DOES actually like.

I actually liked his POV because it confirmed to me that confidence usually trumps each and every time. I don't think he was telling her the above so that now she should go try to make that guy like her, but more so keep in mind that it could be her own mindset that is preventing her from attracting the guys she does like.

It very interesting....

 

[CaraWalker]

ive done this. i was reading through some of my writing and saw something from a few years ago with me lamenting how certain types of guys were the holy grail for me and id get excited to meet them but it happened rarely. i also saw a photo of another type of guy with me going "i like this look though ill probably never date a guy that has it." thats not true anymore either. now that i only date the kind of guys i like im like, what was i dating before?

couple of ways i "accomplished" this:

if youre not a guys type, get over it. i had a come to jesus moment where i looked at a certain type of guy and looked at myself and realized that some types of guys see themselves with girls that are nothing like me. the same way you see yourself with a type of guy, guys see themselves with a type of girl. and if you don't fit that type, get a damn clue and move on. because there will be nothing you can do to change that, and you shouldnt want to. if i want a big football player with dreads but he sees himself with a very petite biracial chick with a half sleeve and a pink fauxhawk, then i am stupid to think we would match, and it is going to have larger consequences in my selection process with dating. cause its being in denial and its being stupid. and if youre stupid in one way in dating, its likely to seep into everything else until youre just stupid about men in general, cause youre refusing to face facts about what men really are.

the second thing is i just assumed i could date the kinds of guys i wanted - as opposed to assuming the guys i wanted would not want to date me. this doesnt contradict what i said in the previous paragraph. its a different thing. i guess you could call it a confidence thing but it was probably more of me not standing in my way anymore. once you think like this you arent being thirsty. you are begging him to like you. you arent looking for a way to ease in there. youre just assuming they will come to you, and they will. like when i write a dating profile i write it assuming its going to appeal to what im trying to attract, not thinking of what to say or how to make myself attractive to them. people can always tell when youre trying too hard, and it turns people off. i think it also works because when you are assuming an outcome you arent watching for and bitter about all the times it didn't happen, because you are oriented to all the times it does happen. so psychologically you feel successful, which makes you behave more efficiently.

 

[almond eyes]

I wonder do guys really have a type? Or is that type dictated to them by social cues and the media and when they find a woman they can emotionally connect with they will gladly settle down with her. Men end up marrying or settling with women who make them feel good. And when they don't they end up signing the divorce papers his physical type or not.

I have a male friend who only dated exoticals. That was his preference for looks. But at the end of the day when he got ready to marry, he married his African sister who was so far from that exotical looks. When I asked him what did it for him, he said her confidence and family values and their similar cultural connections. Another guy that I know only wanted a woman who reminded him of his mother he wanted a plump full figured woman who wore no fake hair but guess what who he married to happily is pin thin and weaved up every few weeks.

Now granted if you have extremely bad skin, damaged hair, obese you may have to work on yourself a bit or adjust your thoughts about what type of man you can get because that can show in the confidence arena. Even my cousin who is obese doesn't want an obese boyfriend. On the whole people want healthy mates and what represents healthy.

But ah ha I also know there are men who like women who are full figured and they love that look as long as you take care of yourself and make the effort. In Mauritania, don't bother to get a man if you are thin or average weight as a woman. Men over there are thin but love obese women as it is a sign of wealth for them and eating well.

I meet black men all the time who aren't my type but they only date white women and they are highly attracted to me. And clearly I do not look white.

So at the end of the day, you have to put your best foot forward and don't let anyone dictate the type of man you will get. There are no fast rules for that. The way you carry yourself will dictate the man you can get. Some men don't want a barbie doll they like a woman who is a bit plain but has good family values. Others want someone who loves to play dress up. True in the American culture, we can believe strongly that there is a type but again yes a man may have a physical type but rarely end up with that physical type exactly.

If you are in a man's social circle his type or not he may end up dating you. Clearly if you are not in his social circle, you may have to do a lot more to get his attention.

Best,
Almond Eyes

 

[bklynbornNbred]

@Crystalicequeen123 Having confidence is a GREAT thing and more women need to utilize it. I feel as though he had essay in his head waiting to write it when it doesn't address the question at beginning. She didn't ask how to be more confident etc. She asked how to change mind of someone that isn't feeling her right now. She should read that essay, put on her feel good outfit and get a few numbers from some interested suitors instead of pining over one that doesn't want her.

@almond eyes I think your post shows men do have types. The guy knew what kind of woman he wanted to marry. Yet when he was in "date mode" I'm sure he met plenty of eligible women but since he knew he wasn't ready he played with the exoticals.

Confidence will always peak interest and that goes along with everything always posted about having your own life. I've just seen too many young women waste time trying to change some dudes mind because they are so convinced that he is the one when he's done nothing to warrant such devotion. I would hate for someone to read essay and takeaway that she needs a different approach to change this guy's mind.

 

[CaraWalker]

if we accept that women have a type - which is a concept i have seen expressed from basically every woman on this forum that has ever spoken on the subject - i dont know why we would suppose that men dont have a type.

some people don't have types, but they arent the ones telling people "i cant date you because youre not my type."

 

[almond eyes]

Yes, people have types we all do but people rarely get their exact physical type.
The perfect type just doesn't exist. Even people who I know claim they have a type will marry a woman who fits into their paradigms. Now, I am not suggesting hanging around a guy that clearly isn't attracted to you, but also don't disqualify yourself either. There are a lot of men who are willing to dig deeper.

Best,
Almond Eyes

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

The author could've saved himself (and his readers) a lot of time by saying, 'Men love confidence. Act like you have it, even if you don't, and men will respond not knowing the difference." This has certainly been true for me. When I act confident I've always gotten male attention even when I wasn't looking for it. The last times I talked to men I was interested in, I acted confident mainly to get their attention and it worked lol. It wasn't even something I planned, it just naturally happened that way.

Acting with confidence is key for me because the men I'm naturally drawn to are pretty unconventional. I wouldn't say I have a type. I know what I'm attracted to but I don't know that I would categorize that as a type.

 

[C@ssandr@]

if we accept that women have a type - which is a concept i have seen expressed from basically every woman on this forum that has ever spoken on the subject - i dont know why we would suppose that men dont have a type.

some people don't have types, but they arent the ones telling people "i cant date you because youre not my type."

Ita.

I have a preference. But I'm not going to discriminate because you don't fit my fantasy

 

[bklynbornNbred]

Yes, people have types we all do but people rarely get their exact physical type.
The perfect type just doesn't exist. Even people who I know claim they have a type will marry a woman who fits into their paradigms. Now, I am not suggesting hanging around a guy that clearly isn't attracted to you, but also don't disqualify yourself either. There are a lot of men who are willing to dig deeper.

Best,
Almond Eyes

I disagree. This isn't about being perfect. It's about ignoring social cues.

In this case he done said he wasn't interested. Women tend to hold on to what they want vs. what they see. This isn't about man who usually goes for gg type feeling some kind of way because he met a ff woman that is rocking his world. This is about women are limiting their options because they are stuck on a type that is rejecting them.

If one was following these confidence rules they'd already know that the "it" that makes them special will attract all kinds (not solely the look they have in their head) and their problem would be how to sift the garbage from the gold. Women writing these letters are not there yet. They need to stop worrying about those that aren't attracted to you. Do a real assessment and then put your best self out there.

 

[almond eyes]

I disagree. This isn't about being perfect. It's about ignoring social cues.

In this case he done said he wasn't interested. Women tend to hold on to what they want vs. what they see. This isn't about man who usually goes for gg type feeling some kind of way because he met a ff woman that is rocking his world. This is about women are limiting their options because they are stuck on a type that is rejecting them.

If one was following these confidence rules they'd already know that the "it" that makes them special will attract all kinds (not solely the look they have in their head) and their problem would be how to sift the garbage from the gold. Women writing these letters are not there yet. They need to stop worrying about those that aren't attracted to you. Do a real assessment and then put your best self out there.

I agree about not ignoring the social cues. That is important in all walks of life. You can't force yourself on a man or anybody for that matter.

But a great personality can over come a lot and I have seen it. Men marry women who make them feel good and will overlook the physical issue as long as the woman is a great person and takes care of herself and shares the same values. And I have seen it over and over again.

Best,
Almond Eyes

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

ive done this. i was reading through some of my writing and saw something from a few years ago with me lamenting how certain types of guys were the holy grail for me and id get excited to meet them but it happened rarely. i also saw a photo of another type of guy with me going "i like this look though ill probably never date a guy that has it." thats not true anymore either. now that i only date the kind of guys i like im like, what was i dating before?

couple of ways i "accomplished" this:

if youre not a guys type, get over it. i had a come to jesus moment where i looked at a certain type of guy and looked at myself and realized that some types of guys see themselves with girls that are nothing like me. the same way you see yourself with a type of guy, guys see themselves with a type of girl. and if you don't fit that type, get a damn clue and move on. because there will be nothing you can do to change that, and you shouldnt want to. if i want a big football player with dreads but he sees himself with a very petite biracial chick with a half sleeve and a pink fauxhawk, then i am stupid to think we would match, and it is going to have larger consequences in my selection process with dating. cause its being in denial and its being stupid. and if youre stupid in one way in dating, its likely to seep into everything else until youre just stupid about men in general, cause youre refusing to face facts about what men really are.

the second thing is i just assumed i could date the kinds of guys i wanted - as opposed to assuming the guys i wanted would not want to date me. this doesnt contradict what i said in the previous paragraph. its a different thing. i guess you could call it a confidence thing but it was probably more of me not standing in my way anymore. once you think like this you arent being thirsty. you are begging him to like you. you arent looking for a way to ease in there. youre just assuming they will come to you, and they will. like when i write a dating profile i write it assuming its going to appeal to what im trying to attract, not thinking of what to say or how to make myself attractive to them. people can always tell when youre trying too hard, and it turns people off. i think it also works because when you are assuming an outcome you arent watching for and bitter about all the times it didn't happen, because you are oriented to all the times it does happen. so psychologically you feel successful, which makes you behave more efficiently.

GREAT post!!

I especially love the part in bold, and I completely agree. I think in the past I used to try to "convince" a guy (even subtly) that I was a good match for him, but honestly?? That NEVER works. The main times when guys liked me (and EXPRESSED their interest) was when I was just out being myself, minding my own business, being happy and content with life, and just being friendly (ie...meaning not OVERLY flirtatious, but not standoffish looking mean either).

I think it's futile to try to "convince" a guy that you're a catch. I do believe that either a guy considers you his "type", or he doesn't. Either you're someone he's naturally inclined to be attracted to, OR...you aren't! But whether he's interested in you or not doesn't negate the fact that you are a prize.

HOWEVER...with that said..... I don't think that men always end up marrying their "type". They end up marrying a woman for how she makes them FEEL.

And this is why I loved the post by @almond eyes..........

I wonder do guys really have a type? Or is that type dictated to them by social cues and the media and when they find a woman they can emotionally connect with they will gladly settle down with her. Men end up marrying or settling with women who make them feel good. And when they don't they end up signing the divorce papers his physical type or not.

I have a male friend who only dated exoticals. That was his preference for looks. But at the end of the day when he got ready to marry, he married his African sister who was so far from that exotical looks. When I asked him what did it for him, he said her confidence and family values and their similar cultural connections. Another guy that I know only wanted a woman who reminded him of his mother he wanted a plump full figured woman who wore no fake hair but guess what who he married to happily is pin thin and weaved up every few weeks.

Now granted if you have extremely bad skin, damaged hair, obese you may have to work on yourself a bit or adjust your thoughts about what type of man you can get because that can show in the confidence arena. Even my cousin who is obese doesn't want an obese boyfriend. On the whole people want healthy mates and what represents healthy.

But ah ha I also know there are men who like women who are full figured and they love that look as long as you take care of yourself and make the effort. In Mauritania, don't bother to get a man if you are thin or average weight as a woman. Men over there are thin but love obese women as it is a sign of wealth for them and eating well.

I meet black men all the time who aren't my type but they only date white women and they are highly attracted to me. And clearly I do not look white.

So at the end of the day, you have to put your best foot forward and don't let anyone dictate the type of man you will get. There are no fast rules for that. The way you carry yourself will dictate the man you can get. Some men don't want a barbie doll they like a woman who is a bit plain but has good family values. Others want someone who loves to play dress up. True in the American culture, we can believe strongly that there is a type but again yes a man may have a physical type but rarely end up with that physical type exactly.

If you are in a man's social circle his type or not he may end up dating you. Clearly if you are not in his social circle, you may have to do a lot more to get his attention.

Best,
Almond Eyes

BINGO!!! This here in a nutshell!! This is SUCH a good point and one I wish women would remember. True, men DO have a type (just like women), but I think sometimes we don't give men enough credit. Yes, they may have a particular type that they go for, but a man who is discerning and worth his salt is one who will date a woman who he feels really "gets him" or who he feels GOOD with, regardless of whether she's his "type" or not. Only a MATURE marriage-minded man would probably do this however.

One thing I saw time and time again was how my guy friends would say a girl had to be x,y,z, a size 2, or they would always be dating the light-skin, long hair girls all the time, but when they got married, a lot of their wives were NOT light-brights, they were NOT a size 2, and they didn't even have long hair....

Case in point, my brother-in-law used to always date light-skinned girls. In fact, when he met my sister he was like in LOVE with her friend (tall, light-skin, thin, etc). My sister was fairly tall, thin, dark-skin and very pretty. But she and my brother in law were just friends for years! He finally came to realize that while he was pining after her friend, he actually enjoyed my SISTER's personality MUCH better. She was easy-going, drama-free, happy all the time, and fun to be around. Whereas the girl he was initially attracted to (his "type") was popular, but she was moody, conceited, treated him like dirt sometimes, and filled with DRAMA! He probably asked himself who he would rather spend the rest of his life with lol

Anyway, I guess my point was that instead of trying to figure out what "type" a guy has, it's best just to be the best YOU that you can be.

Honestly, I think the guy DID answer her question... He just didn't give her the answer she probably was expecting. You can spend all of your time anxiously trying to figure out how to attract ONE particular guy you have your sights set on, OR you can just make sure that you're confident, happy, and pleasant with ALL men, and ASSUME that you will attract the RIGHT guy for you. Not only will it increase her chances of getting that particular guy, but it will DEFINITELY increase her chances of attracting a LOT of guys simply because she's confident and sure of herself.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

The author could've saved himself (and his readers) a lot of time by saying, 'Men love confidence. Act like you have it, even if you don't, and men will respond not knowing the difference." This has certainly been true for me. When I act confident I've always gotten male attention even when I wasn't looking for it. The last times I talked to men I was interested in, I acted confident mainly to get their attention and it worked lol. It wasn't even something I planned, it just naturally happened that way.

Acting with confidence is key for me because the men I'm naturally drawn to are pretty unconventional. I wouldn't say I have a type. I know what I'm attracted to but I don't know that I would categorize that as a type.

@ScorpioBeauty09

Care to share your "confidence" tips?? I'm trying to see if I'm doing this correctly this week during my "experiment" lol I THINK I have confidence, but I think sometimes my confidence can come across as arrogance if I'm not careful....

What did you specifically do when you wanted to "turn on the confidence"?? I'm not about chasing guys or initiating things, but was there anything you specifically did or a way you specifically acted that had the guys flocking over?? Just curious lol

 

[Flourishnikov]

@Crystalicequeen123
The OP features some law of attraction references that may or may not resonate if you arent familiar with the laws. From an LOA perspective, much of what he said is true.

 

[newgrowth15]

Get to know and like yourself first. That is how you gain confidence. When you are comfortable with who you are, you automatically exude confidence, you don't have to "act." This is what attracts people to you and makes them want to be around you.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

I agree about not ignoring the social cues. That is important in all walks of life. You can't force yourself on a man or anybody for that matter.

But a great personality can over come a lot and I have seen it. Men marry women who make them feel good and will overlook the physical issue as long as the woman is a great person and takes care of herself and shares the same values. And I have seen it over and over again.

Best,
Almond Eyes

You keep adding contrary statements after your "but". My comments are for all.

This isn't about looks. Yes some people are hung up on certain things they think they want but we're not discussing those with obvious "challenges" or biases then change their mind. It's not about fronting that you're confident it's about BEING confident. If your inner self is on 10 you will attract all kinds. There are a lot of "good" women out here that are single solely because they are stuck on waiting for a certain type to recognize them vs being open to choose from the options they attract.

Here's the hard truth. Men don't think like women. Stop being content waiting to be chosen. Worrying solely about making a man feel good is putting too much passivity on the women. If you don't cook then don't front when dating and get your sight on those candidates that love to cook or can afford to eat out all the time. Women do too much flip flopping based on the interests of current crush. Being confident, being yourself means doing you 100%. Have something to talk about when he asks what you did last weekend. I'm not saying go to the other extreme where you're so busy you can't fit someone in your life but when you are full and complete you have no time to concern yourself with those moths that are not attracted to your light.

@Crystalicequeen123 For your experiment look up song by Klymaxx "The Men all Pause". Yes it's 80's kitsch but that's an external example. Just understand everyone won't like you and that's fine. Whomever doesn't pause is a non factor. The crunchy granola &/or broke dude will peg you as too high maintenance. Let them self select themselves out no matter how cute he is. Trust you are worth what you desire. Have fun.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Being confident, being yourself means doing you 100%. Have something to talk about when he asks what you did last weekend. I'm not saying go to the other extreme where you're so busy you can't fit someone in your life but when you are full and complete you have no time to concern yourself with those moths that are not attracted to your light.

@Crystalicequeen123 For your experiment look up song by Klymaxx "The Men all Pause". Yes it's 80's kitsch but that's an external example. Just understand everyone won't like you and that's fine. Whomever doesn't pause is a non factor. The crunchy granola &/or broke dude will peg you as too high maintenance. Let them self select themselves out no matter how cute he is. Trust you are worth what you desire. Have fun.

I LOVE this!!! I may have to tape this to my bathroom mirror lol PREACH it sister!!

I am going to check out that song too. Am I supposed to be paying attention to the lyrics?


So far I'm having amazing results being "Beyonce" for a week lol I'll post soon my findings.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

@ScorpioBeauty09

Care to share your "confidence" tips?? I'm trying to see if I'm doing this correctly this week during my "experiment" lol I THINK I have confidence, but I think sometimes my confidence can come across as arrogance if I'm not careful....

What did you specifically do when you wanted to "turn on the confidence"?? I'm not about chasing guys or initiating things, but was there anything you specifically did or a way you specifically acted that had the guys flocking over?? Just curious lol

@Crystalicequeen123

Sorry for the late response.

I just be me lol. When I'm shy and timid it's painfully obvious and obviously never works. I act like that when I'm uncomfortable and trying to feel the situation out. Or I'm picking up on something and I'm on guard. Acting confident for me means being myself which is bubbly, excited, positive and engaged. Men like smiles and I notice whenever I do it, they respond lol. It obviously has to be organic and natural, not forced. Which is why I don't realize what I've done until after I've done it. When I'm interested in a guy I always try to be myself. If I don't get the response I want or I have problems trying to be myself, it's a huge sign that things should go no further.

So I'd say be yourself but be secure in who you are.

 

[almond eyes]

You keep adding contrary statements after your "but". My comments are for all.

This isn't about looks. Yes some people are hung up on certain things they think they want but we're not discussing those with obvious "challenges" or biases then change their mind. It's not about fronting that you're confident it's about BEING confident. If your inner self is on 10 you will attract all kinds. There are a lot of "good" women out here that are single solely because they are stuck on waiting for a certain type to recognize them vs being open to choose from the options they attract.

Here's the hard truth. Men don't think like women. Stop being content waiting to be chosen. Worrying solely about making a man feel good is putting too much passivity on the women. If you don't cook then don't front when dating and get your sight on those candidates that love to cook or can afford to eat out all the time. Women do too much flip flopping based on the interests of current crush. Being confident, being yourself means doing you 100%. Have something to talk about when he asks what you did last weekend. I'm not saying go to the other extreme where you're so busy you can't fit someone in your life but when you are full and complete you have no time to concern yourself with those moths that are not attracted to your light.

@Crystalicequeen123 For your experiment look up song by Klymaxx "The Men all Pause". Yes it's 80's kitsch but that's an external example. Just understand everyone won't like you and that's fine. Whomever doesn't pause is a non factor. The crunchy granola &/or broke dude will peg you as too high maintenance. Let them self select themselves out no matter how cute he is. Trust you are worth what you desire. Have fun.

I am not trying to be contrary. I am someone who never likes to put anyone's point down because everyone has their own way of looking at a situation.

And I know already that men don't think like women. And I am not at all suggesting that you hang around until a man likes you that's unhealthy. I think we are saying the same LIKE YOURSELF.

Best,
Almond Eyes

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

@Crystalicequeen123
The OP features some law of attraction references that may or may not resonate if you arent familiar with the laws. From an LOA perspective, much of what he said is true.

Yes, I agree... What he said was actually very on point. I'm not sure why some took offense to it.

Even if the guy this girl particularly likes, she will STILL end up with a better chance of ALL men liking her if she follows his advice and exudes confidence instead of what she has been doing. The definition of "crazy" is doing the same thing and expecting different results.

I can't tell you how many times I've sung the same mantra myself: "Ugh...why do the guys I'm interested in never seem to like me back, or are just lukewarm about me? Yet the ones I don't even care about are always chasing me down?"

Well, that could be the very problem right there!!! My mindset could be totally OFF.

But now days, not only am I changing my mindset to: "Guys I like ALWAYS like me and find me irresistable", but also to: "The guys that like me are ones that are automatically on a high totem pole because obviously they recognize a good woman when they see one."

To me that's better than constantly saying to myself: "Only LOSERS like me", or "Guys that I'm interested in NEVER like me back!" Well, of COURSE I will keep getting that same result if that's what I keep telling myself!

Get to know and like yourself first. That is how you gain confidence. When you are comfortable with who you are, you automatically exude confidence, you don't have to "act." This is what attracts people to you and makes them want to be around you.

Good point!!! Yep, the latter part of this year I started focusing on myself more, reading enlightening books, learning new things, etc, and I actually have found that I'm much happier now. I still have some progress to make, but now I feel like I know myself so much better.

@Crystalicequeen123

Sorry for the late response.

I just be me lol. When I'm shy and timid it's painfully obvious and obviously never works. I act like that when I'm uncomfortable and trying to feel the situation out. Or I'm picking up on something and I'm on guard. Acting confident for me means being myself which is bubbly, excited, positive and engaged. Men like smiles and I notice whenever I do it, they respond lol. It obviously has to be organic and natural, not forced. Which is why I don't realize what I've done until after I've done it. When I'm interested in a guy I always try to be myself. If I don't get the response I want or I have problems trying to be myself, it's a huge sign that things should go no further.

So I'd say be yourself but be secure in who you are.

That's true lol. I find that when I'm acting excited or just bubbly and myself, I tend to attract more guys. But my problem is that when I FIRST meet a guy (or ANYONE) for that matter, I typically am kind of more on the "reserved side" because I'm always feeling a situation out when I first meet people. I'm just like that by nature. I've always been like that since I was a child. As a child I was shy growing up, so somewhere deep inside is still that "shy girl" I don't know how to shake that and put my BEST foot forward when I FIRST meet guys, because usually first impressions run deep.

I think I do better when guys are around me for a long time and we've known each other for a little while. THAT's when my true bubbly, fun-loving, care-free side comes out. But when I first meet a guy, I probably come across as boring or "real reserved" lol. I know that even "reserved" people can come across as confident, but I think on average, people tend to view "reserved" people as less confident than ones who are the "life of the party".

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

~*~UPDATES~*~ (LONG post lol)

OKay, so as you ladies know, I've started this "I'm a Hottie/Confidence" Challenge since last Friday. I had to come in here and tell you what I've been noticing so far!!

Okay, so on average I feel like I'm fairly confident, but since by nature I'm more on the "shy" side, I can get real self-conscious at times. (Past residues from being a "shy girl" growing up I guess)

Anyway, so after reading the article I posted here on Friday, I decided to test this guy's theory out: Act as IF guys are enamored with you, and that you can have any guy you want, and the confidence will draw them to you. So, at first it felt kind of silly lol, but I was like...I'm going to try it anyway! I'm going to do a little social experiment if you will.

So, on Friday I asked myself what would make me feel the most confident?? How do confident people act?? So, I conjured up an image of a celebrity. I asked myself: "If I were Beyonce with all of her fame and good looks, and just won a million dollars today, how would I act??" Just asking myself this question immediately got myself in the frame of mind of a "confident" person. Automatically I sat up straighter, my head was lifted up somewhat lol, and I felt HAPPIER because all of my "money woes" were over (since I just won a million bucks and all ).


At Work......
So.... I started strutting into the office like a celebrity lol.... Ladies, let me tell you, my walk even changed y'all!!! I felt care-free, confident, and HAPPY lol. I saw one of my female coworkers in the office eating her lunch. We usually chat here and there and she's nice, but sometimes when I'm talking to people I don't hang out with often I tend to be wondering in the back of my mind how I'm coming across, if I'm saying the right thing, etc.

NOT this time!!! This time I walked in, smiled brightly and confidently, and asked her how she was doing. She in turn seemed to feel sooo at ease and started asking me about what I was going to be doing on the weekend, so I told her. I also asked her what she was going to be doing! NOt only that, but I was ENGAGED with what she was saying (not thinking about what to say next...), and seemed genuinely interested! I was asking her questions here and there, and the conversation flowed effortlessly. I felt like I was on cloud 9 ladies!

When I left I thought to myself: "Wow!! I feel like a celebrity!"


At the gym.....
Then, after work I went to the gym. At first I felt "blah" because my tshirt was all wrinkled and I didn't want to walk out onto the gym floor with a wrinkled shirt lol. But then I told myself....wait a second, "I'm Beyonce!" She doesn't care what people think (or at least she doesn't seem to care lol). I can walk out with my tshirt wrinkled to high heaven if I want to and I don't give a crap! Yes, ladies, I walked out there with my head held high lol!

So, as soon as I gave my key fob to get swiped to the guy at the front desk of the gym, I noticed that he smiled brightly because I was smiling brightly. He even gave me a second longer eyecontact than I usually get as he said:"enjoy your workout" Idk if it was because I was smiling so brightly and confidently or what. But usually I don't get this type of reception from the gym "concierge" lol.

So anyway, I start my workout, and usually (I'm telling you ladies) NOBODY bothers me or even acknowleges me at the gym. NOBODY. I know some women swear they are constantly getting hit on at the gym, but yeaaaaa...naaa that's not me and that's not my gym. Usually I'm there to work out and go home, and most people are too. Well, I start to work out and sit at a machine and I notice this big huge burly black guy working out in the distance...I guess I must have been staring lol because he catches a glimpse of me and then nods and smiles lol. I nod and smile back sweetly. I'm telling you, that NEVER happens!

Then, I go over to sit over at a machine to work my deltoids and lats. Unfortunately I wanted to change the bar style to work one arm at a time, and I'm having difficulty taking the bar off. All of a sudden, this white guy who's on the machine next to me sees me struggling and says: "here, let me get that for you...sometimes these things can get a little heavy...." , and he proceeds to take the bar off, AND put the one that I want on lol! I just smile sweetly and say: "thank you!"

Ladies, I'm telling you, this NEVER happens. I NEVER have anyone talking to me at my gym during my workouts lol. Coincidence? Maybe.....maybe not!


Saturday.....At a party....
On Saturday I go to this huge movie night with a friend of mine. She invited me to this thing her friend was having. I swear there must have been like 100 people there lol I'll admit, I didn't have AS MUCH as the "Beyonce Vibe" that night because 1) I was dead tired from a long day on Saturday already, 2) there were SOOO many people there, and usually if there's a huge crowd of people that I don't know, I automatically shy away some , and 3) my "crush" was there lol

But..... Anyway, so I'm just chilling with my friends, and their guy friend comes over to sit with us. Let me tell you, he talked me up the entire night! I was just being chill, and friendly, laughing a little at his jokes and stuff.. But yea he was asking me questions, being friendly, etc. I don't think he likes me like that (he's a friend of my friend), but it was just interesting how chilll I was. In turnI was asking him questions, getting his thoughts on things, and just listening to him.

Even my "crush" who was there that night didn't even phase me lol. I was feeling a little awkward being there around him, but it wasn't like I was acting funny or anything. I'm pretty much over him anyway lol. So, anyway I'm about to leave and he (my crush...or shall I say ex-crush?? lol) cuts into his conversation to smile and say goodbye to me as I'm leaving.... Not sure how he even knew I was leaving since his back was towards me and he was engrossed in conversation. Anyway, I (like the celebrity that I am) just turned and smiled coyly and continued on my way out of the house to meet my friends because they were my ride lol.

I had a fun night! I had a fun weekend!

Ladies, I haven't even finished a week yet, but I swear, I think this stuff WORKS!! I have to keep reminding myself that "I'm Beyonce" (or a celebrity) lol, but I'm having fun with this new persona. I definitely feel more confident.

Even better is that I've STOPPED complaining about my money issues and have just told myself that God will take care of it. He hasn't let me down yet. I was beginning to feel weighed down with financial obligations and money woes, but now that I've been doing this exercise I am focusing more on what I DO have, as opposed to what I don't have. In fact, this morning I woke up and made a list of things I'm thankful and grateful for. THAT in itself automatically makes me feel more confident as well.


So, so far I'm enjoying this experiment ladies! I'll post more "results" if I notice anything further.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

That's true lol. I find that when I'm acting excited or just bubbly and myself, I tend to attract more guys. But my problem is that when I FIRST meet a guy (or ANYONE) for that matter, I typically am kind of more on the "reserved side" because I'm always feeling a situation out when I first meet people. I'm just like that by nature. I've always been like that since I was a child. As a child I was shy growing up, so somewhere deep inside is still that "shy girl" I don't know how to shake that and put my BEST foot forward when I FIRST meet guys, because usually first impressions run deep.

I think I do better when guys are around me for a long time and we've known each other for a little while. THAT's when my true bubbly, fun-loving, care-free side comes out. But when I first meet a guy, I probably come across as boring or "real reserved" lol. I know that even "reserved" people can come across as confident, but I think on average, people tend to view "reserved" people as less confident than ones who are the "life of the party".

You and I are a lot alike. I'm a reserved person by nature and unless you catch me off guard on a great day, my bubbly side likely is not going to come out until you've been around me a while. I'm an introvert so I can be slow to open up and I've only now realized how much it can push people away. American culture praises extroversion, people who are the life of the party. I wonder if that's why I tend to meet more interesting people abroad.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

@Crystalicequeen123 Love your update.

Now your next assignment, if you choose to accept, is to not act like Beyonce but BE YOU. That confident, vibrant, attractive you that others see but you keep hiding or talking yourself out from being. Shine on whether 10, 100 or 1000 people are in room. You thought your crush (ex crush) had his back to you but I bet he was watching all night. He got nervous because he saw you chatting with others and wanted to make sure you "noticed" him before you left. He needs to realize if he doesn't step up and act like he's interested the next man in line will.

Beyoncé does Beyonce already. Others responded to your confidence not hers. Repeat until you understand.

(BTW lyrics to that song are silly it's the attitude I wanted you to emulate or just fake it til you're doing it naturally).

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

You and I are a lot alike. I'm a reserved person by nature and unless you catch me off guard on a great day, my bubbly side likely is not going to come out until you've been around me a while. I'm an introvert so I can be slow to open up and I've only now realized how much it can push people away. American culture praises extroversion, people who are the life of the party. I wonder if that's why I tend to meet more interesting people abroad.

@ScorpioBeauty09

YES! You hit the nail on the head. I think you and I are very much alike. I think I'm a hybrid of introvert and extrovert. When/if I know you very well, I'm "the life of the party", bubbly, fun, silly, etc. Buttttt....when I DON'T know you all that well, or I feel like I can't 100% trust you, then I tend to be much more reserved. I'm by nature a shy introvert I think...or, at least that's how I was when I was little. But one thing I always realized about myself is that I was always "social" around my besties or childhood friends. I may be "introverted"/shy, but I've always been sociable.

I'm one of those people however who, when I'm in the room with a REALLY overly extroverted person, I stand back and let them have the floor. Otherwise, I'll have to shout and over power them just to get a word in edgewise, and I don't ever feel like trying to compete like that. I'd rather they get all of the shine/attention and I'll just fade to the background lol. I think OVERLY extroverted people (those who just talk about themselves 24/7 and crave the spotlight allllll the time) tend to tire me out lol. Are you the same way??


And yes, I agree, Americans praise extroverted people. They usually get ahead more in business and the work world, they're usually the polititians, they usually have their own businesses (not always, but a lot of the time), they typically are the leaders or "in charge". It's just how America was built. If you're shy or introverted, you probably won't get too far in this country. Even other people in other countries are MUCH more reserved than Americans are when I go to say for example Europe. We're usually the table that's laughing loudly and being all animated, whereas others (Europeans) around us are looking around like: "what on earth?? why are they so happy? or loud??"

@Crystalicequeen123 Love your update.

Now your next assignment, if you choose to accept, is to not act like Beyonce but BE YOU. That confident, vibrant, attractive you that others see but you keep hiding or talking yourself out from being. Shine on whether 10, 100 or 1000 people are in room.

Thank you so much @bklynbornNbred for the encouragement! I really do have to work on this. I put my mindset in the frame of Beyonce so that I can channel her energy of what I think a "confident" woman can encompass. I could have chosen ANY celebrity , it doesn't matter who really, it's just that a celebrity is usually highly sought after, desired, noticed by all, chased down, and guys usually fall at their feet to meet them lol. That was my main reason for choosing her.

But I get your point...Now I need to train myself to walk in like my true natural self no matter WHO (or how many) are in the room. I think that eventually as I continue practicing this "theory", the "Beyonce Vibe" will become like 2nd nature, to the point where it won't be me "acting" anymore, it will be who I am (ie. truly confident).

Like I said, I'm not UNconfident or socially awkward or anything like that... I actually feel like I have pretty good self-esteem actually. It's just that when I'm in certain situations, that inner "shy girl" tends to come back out again and I shy away from my true nature, and I've worked so hard growing up to shed the shy insecure vibe. I used to be REALLY shy/insecure growing up because I grew up with a dad that was really overbearing and strict. I've come out of my shell since High School, and I became really popular actually over the years (I have tons of friends), but I think that "shy girl" is still in there somewhere and sometimes my insecurities try to come out. So I'm working on that.

I definitely take you up on your challenge!! What are the stipulations? Hmm....maybe I need to extend this little experiment lol

You thought your crush (ex crush) had his back to you but I bet he was watching all night. He got nervous because he saw you chatting with others and wanted to make sure you "noticed" him before you left. He needs to realize if he doesn't step up and act like he's interested the next man in line will.

Beyoncé does Beyonce already. Others responded to your confidence not hers. Repeat until you understand.

(BTW lyrics to that song are silly it's the attitude I wanted you to emulate or just fake it til you're doing it naturally).

OMG you know what, I think you're probably RIGHT! I think he WAS watching me a little that night lol. Now that I think about it, at one point during the evening, I felt him looking in my direction as I was talking to that other guy the entire night lol. It was just weird how ex-crush didn't say a word to me all night, but as I was leaving he then says something out of the blue. Maybe he wanted to make sure that I knew that he was there?? LOL!

Either way, you're right....He needs to know that I'm not waiting for him. Please... lol.... I've played the waiting game w/guys in the past and I said never again. A guy who's interested will actually make a move, so if he's interested he better make a move quick, because there are plenty of other guys who will be stepping up to the plate for me. I've decided to just forget about him and do me. It's HIS loss if he never makes a move lol Either way, I KNOW I'm a prize

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

@ScorpioBeauty09

YES! You hit the nail on the head. I think you and I are very much alike. I think I'm a hybrid of introvert and extrovert. When/if I know you very well, I'm "the life of the party", bubbly, fun, silly, etc. Buttttt....when I DON'T know you all that well, or I feel like I can't 100% trust you, then I tend to be much more reserved. I'm by nature a shy introvert I think...or, at least that's how I was when I was little. But one thing I always realized about myself is that I was always "social" around my besties or childhood friends. I may be "introverted"/shy, but I've always been sociable.

I'm one of those people however who, when I'm in the room with a REALLY overly extroverted person, I stand back and let them have the floor. Otherwise, I'll have to shout and over power them just to get a word in edgewise, and I don't ever feel like trying to compete like that. I'd rather they get all of the shine/attention and I'll just fade to the background lol. I think OVERLY extroverted people (those who just talk about themselves 24/7 and crave the spotlight allllll the time) tend to tire me out lol. Are you the same way??


And yes, I agree, Americans praise extroverted people. They usually get ahead more in business and the work world, they're usually the polititians, they usually have their own businesses (not always, but a lot of the time), they typically are the leaders or "in charge". It's just how America was built. If you're shy or introverted, you probably won't get too far in this country. Even other people in other countries are MUCH more reserved than Americans are when I go to say for example Europe. We're usually the table that's laughing loudly and being all animated, whereas others (Europeans) around us are looking around like: "what on earth?? why are they so happy? or loud??"

1st bolded: Introverted does not mean shy. My BFFs always point out that I am not shy, I only speak when I have something to say. And that depends on the atmosphere. At my birthday party, the rare event where I have my family and BFFs all in the same room, I am the life of the party because I'm surrounded by people I'm close to lol. But like a true introvert I'll get tired after 2 hours or so and then party's over lol.

2nd bolded: Yeah I am. My mom and youngest sister are much more extroverted than I am and I just let them have the spotlight or if we disagree I just withdraw if the discussion just becomes a shouting match. I don't care to waste energy competing with them or trying to outshine them.

3rd bolded: I find in Europe people make themselves more available to talk to me and I have more meaningful conversations. I don't know if its because people are curious when they find out I'm American. Might be because I don't look outwardly American. I tend to blend in with the local population, in Europe anyway. In Asia it's different.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

1st bolded: Introverted does not mean shy. My BFFs always point out that I am not shy, I only speak when I have something to say. And that depends on the atmosphere. At my birthday party, the rare event where I have my family and BFFs all in the same room, I am the life of the party because I'm surrounded by people I'm close to lol. But like a true introvert I'll get tired after 2 hours or so and then party's over lol.

Haha...that's true. I think when I was younger I was more shy AND introverted. Whereas now I'm more just plain introverted and less shy. Idk if that makes sense lol.

OMG I think you're right too about how after about 2 hours you'll get "tired" and then it's "lights off!" LOL! I'm starting to think maybe this might be me too! I get so "tired" with too much stimulus at times. The definition of introverted means you gain your "energy" by being by yourself or by being around smaller groups as opposed to being around LARGE groups/crowds of people. Whereas extroverts feel "bored" being by themselves and get more of their "energy" being around and interacting with LARGE groups/crowds.

One of my guy friends used to have me pinned down to a T. He used to ALWAYS joke that if we were hanging out with a group for a while, at first I'll be all , but by 9:30pm at night I would always start to get like:
LOL!!! It's so true! He was so right lol. I didn't even realize it until he brought it to my attention. It's almost like I can't be "on" like that 24/7 for hours and hours on end. I need my "quiet time" I guess lol.

2nd bolded: Yeah I am. My mom and youngest sister are much more extroverted than I am and I just let them have the spotlight or if we disagree I just withdraw if the discussion just becomes a shouting match. I don't care to waste energy competing with them or trying to outshine them.

Same here... My mom is more introverted (probably even more than me), but when she's around me, my sister, or around her close friends, she is like "ON" lol! She comes across as very extroverted around people she knows very well and feels comfortable with. So I just sit back and let her have the floor lol...

3rd bolded: I find in Europe people make themselves more available to talk to me and I have more meaningful conversations. I don't know if its because people are curious when they find out I'm American. Might be because I don't look outwardly American. I tend to blend in with the local population, in Europe anyway. In Asia it's different.

I think it could be because you're American. Idk about you, but I'm ALWAYS so much more curious about people from other countries. You automatically can think of so many different things you want to ask, topics to talk about, etc. And a lot of times people feel more comfortable talking about things when they know they will probably never see that person ever again.