Are singleness threads doing more harm than good?

[SincerelyJane]

^^^ It's still there, it just hasn't been posted in in a few days.

What happened to the radom relationship thread? Did it get crazy in there over night?

I think it's gone. Was looking for it, I can't find it.

 

[oneastrocurlie]

I think it's gone. Was looking for it, I can't find it.

Ok. So I'm not crazy. Wonder why it's M.I.A.... I have a random thought! Lol

 

[hopeful]

Ok. So I'm not crazy. Wonder why it's M.I.A.... I have a random thought! Lol

It's the "2014 What's Happening in Our Relationships?" thread now. I think the old random thoughts relationship thread went poof because of some posts that were too explicit. But new thread is still chugging along just fine. I don't post there much anymore because I felt more free in the married thread. Although I miss posting in the general thread, I found myself holding back because so many of the posters weren't married and I didn't get the support I needed. People were sweet to me but we were just at different stages. I didn't want to come off as bragging when things went great and when I had issues it was more difficult to get help.

 

[TopShelf]

I think so. No offense, but it seem like the regulars in that thread stay single. Like a self fulfilling prophecy. (Not saying being single is always bad thoigh). Just a lot of negative energy in that thread. Maybe that new thread about how to attract love is a better focus and will bring different results.

I agree about the bolded

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

The threads are about support, not perpetuating what some would call a problem. That's awfully judgemental. OP, perhaps instead of looking at these threads with disdain and judging the content these women are bold and generous enough to share of their real life journeys, perhaps there is support in them for you as well. Never seen you post for advice or guidance in them, but rather seen you start your own threads, like the "Childless Woman" one you have in Off Topic. And there was one around Christmas. Maybe the thread would have helped you avoid that debacle with your ex and his new GF. I also recall other things going on with other ex's or new men that you've started threads on in the past year. It's more about what the people have going on in RL and whatever issues one is avoiding that keeps one single. I'm not sure how an online forum, where folks are simply sharing, can affect true life social interactions, unless the online interactions are the only thing the posters have going on in life period. I haven't seen that here, though.

Sorta forgot about this thread now catching up. By no means am I judging people in the singles thread. I post in there too all the time but my point was is it doing more harm then good by dwelling on why I'm single. If you think or talk about something to much you are putting that negative energy out there. That's my point not judging others by no means.

 

[LovelyRo]

Sorta forgot about this thread now catching up. By no means am I judging people in the singles thread. I post in there too all the time but my point was is it doing more harm then good by dwelling on why I'm single. If you think or talk about something to much you are putting that negative energy out there. That's my point not judging others by no means.

There is nothing wrong with desiring to be married or desiring to be in a relationship. But, if your perception of your singleness causes negative emotions... that's where the issue is. It's not the threads... It's how you view being single. Do you allow your singleness to define you? Do you feel less than because you are single? When you post negative dating experiences, does it consume you?

Don't get me wrong, I've had disappointments but, that's how dating goes! Maybe it's because I have balance. I don't have a lot of single friends IRL so it's not always the whoa is me sob single girl story when I talk to my girls.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

There is nothing wrong with desiring to be married or desiring to be in a relationship. But, if your perception of your singleness causes negative emotions... that's where the issue is. It's not the threads... It's how you view being single. Do you allow your singleness to define you? Do you feel less than because you are single? When you post negative dating experiences, does it consume you? Don't get me wrong, I've had disappointments but, that's how dating goes! Maybe it's because I have balance. I don't have a lot of single friends IRL so it's not always the whoa is me sob single girl story when I talk to my girls.

I don't think being single is negative if it's a choice but when you date so much and can't seem to find the right person yes I do see it negative. I try not to think of my status but every time I see someone from my past and they ask why I'm not married yet I would say yes it has a negative connotation to me. Even talking about it now is giving it to much energy.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

too many single friends/people will keep you single too.

barbiesocialite

You know, I've been hearing this statement more and more these days lol, and I'm starting to believe it... Why do you think this MIGHT be the case?? Is it because those who are married or in relationships may try HARDER to get their single friends in a relationship/or may know of more "eligible men"?

 

[CaraWalker]

i date when i date, and every now and again i take a break. a thread doesnt stop or influence that. plus, i am pretty skilled as far as my dating routine, so i dont need it for that purpose.

 

[CaraWalker]

I sort of understand what you're trying to say OP...

I think you're thinking about it from the "Law of Attraction" standpoint which states: "what you focus on the most becomes your reality".

So, on one hand I DO see how it CAN be a little counterproductive if you are a person who is always "woe is me...I'm single".

BUT...at the same time, I think that a LOT of these threads ARE supportive to those who are single. I look at singleness as just a transient part of life. Sometimes you're single, sometimes you're not. It's not a disease, it's not something you're cursed with, it's just a simple STATUS at the moment.

I find it helpful to be around others who are in the same boat, and are having the same goals (finding the right person for them) in mind. Look at this board LHCF! It's filled with women of color who primarily have the same goal of wanting longer and healthier hair. There will be some downfalls, and there will be setbacks, but that doesn't mean that the board is counterproductive. Sometimes it's just great being in the same boat and being able to relate.

At the SAME time, I think that women should be more PROACTIVE with their love lives instead of just hoping, wishing and praying for a man to come fall in their laps.
.

i see what you mean with this post. i do notice the pity party from time to time but i have no reason to internalise it. i dont know who people are irl from this forum... most of them i dont even know what they look like. maybe the chronically single woman is ugly or has a weird smell irl or something anything could be contributing to that person's singleness that has nothing to do with me personally, so i dont understand why i would sink into that same woe is me frame of mind about MY life.

i think op may be (sneak?) wanting to address specifically the posters who have seemed to remain single long term. and its a sensitive subject, so lets not make this a quorom on dissecting what someone is or is not doing wrong. im sure we have all noticed too themes that come and go in the thread(s). but thats why they are there for support. to brighten up someone's day when this specific issue is weighing them down. what does it hurt to spare some kind words for someone just because you think their issue is long term and it shouldnt be? it doesnt affect you. if you want to give advice or think someone should do something different to change their situation, try to give it. if they choose not to take it, their single status is still on them, right?

as far as the first/last bold, i dont know what to say about that because i would hope nobody is really just hanging around in the house expecting a man to appear on their couch. for me, being in a relationship is what's transient. being single to me is my default state of being. and relationships are the interruption to the life i know and am comfortable with. but i do know i want to be married, so i take steps to get there. i never dated for real much in school, but as soon as school was over - i was finished in spring/summer of 2011, by november i was dating a guy and by december we were exclusive. we broke up in september 2012, by november (again ) i met the guy i was in my next relationship with. we broke up in october 2013 (sensing a pattern here ) so to me that means my next boyfriend is just right around the corner

dwelling on something is negative, period. so maybe the difference is as simple as visiting our single frame of mind, if you find that to be a negative thing, and living in it.